Whitherto

I am in uncharted waters, stranger in a strange sea. 

I am overwhelmed by numerous things that Teri formerly did for both me and my father (finances, condo, travel, health, time share … plants, cleaning, maintenance) – I’m gradually getting my arms around them. 

I am surrounded by Teri’s aesthetic sense for things large and immovable and small and portable throughout our condo. 

I am overwhelmed by the emptiness which I try to fill up with the many tasks she used to undertake and with her soothing Hawaiian music and our James Taylor or even the TV.

I am supposed to continue to grieve, for my own mental health.  There are times when I feel absolutely lost and empty, even viscerally queasy.  There are times when I just sit immobilized and paralyzed, with the TV on.  There are times when I become filled with laden emotions and cry.  This is all supposed to be my ‘normal’.

Little things cause me to well up.  I opened the kitchen drawer and caught sight of Glad Press ‘n’ Seal the adhesive cellophane that we used to wrap all her lines in order to keep them dry when helping her shower.  It was part of our intricate ritual of disability that we had become so accustomed to.  That bonded us in unforeseen ways.

Many colleagues, neighbors and friends near and regional have called, brought food over, invited us over, and took us out to eat …  I even went to a movie at the Milwaukee Film Festival, first theater film in at least 9 months, second time in 19 months.

The future is a complete blank screen.  Where will I be, what will I do, …

On the other hand, I find myself experiencing little zen moments, when I[m handling cut flowers or trying to resuscitate her long lost plants … even enjoying the present moment rather than treating it, as I usually did, as a chore.

I miss Teri’s practical, anchored, clear sighted sounding board that always provided me with course corrections.  Our psychologist reassures me that I can still talk to her ... that I should still speak with her, regularly, as I need to.

I’m over in East Lansing, MI with Ben, Rachel and Jack as we celebrate Ben's birthday.  He says he is overwhelmed but is enjoying the learning and keeping his head above water.  His apartment is comfortable, neat and organized, and Spartan (literally, sorry for the pun).  We spend a lot of time watching his back as he is studying constantly and intensively.  We took a brief tour of the campus, sampling the campus ice cream.  We took him to a Chinese-Thai-Vietnamese restaurant.  Rachel and I have restocked his fridge and freezer from the Oriental Mart and Meijers.  We bought household items, bowls, utensils.  I cooked two dishes to be frozen ahead, basil chicken (Thai) and Jyajiang mian (Chinese spaghetti). Rachel makes beef stew in a crock pot.

We reminisce and console – and express continued disbelief.

Baby Jack eats everything:  Indian food, jyajiang mian, pad sie ew.  He moves rapidly, and opens everything.  He crawls and cruises.  He stood up alone without support for the first time on this trip!

I can begin to see some positives.