Christmas with the Cullivans

Christmas was always Teri’s favorite time of year.  It was about gathering with family in various places over the years, in the Bay Area or Kansas, in Columbus, Chicago or Milwaukee.  Playing violin and piano (however reluctantly), writing letters to Santa on Christmas eve, finding unique stocking stuffers and presents, recalling memories of past holidays, playing games and eating comfort and holiday foods ... and her first grandson, Jack.  And now, here we are – Ben, Dad and I – are at the hearth of John and Rachel, Jack and Naomi in Mendham, NJ.

We experienced a white Christmas with an inch on Christmas eve and 3-4 more on the 28^th.  And Rachel turned this holiday into a warm, well-organized, welcoming and relaxed festive time replete with toddler tickling, baby bundling and holiday cheer.  Teri would be proud.

In 9 days, I have fallen under the spell of Naomi’s rhythm, eat, poop, smile, look, coo, and sleep without all of Rachel’s responsibilities.  I also see Jack’s rhythm of play, eat, watch Umizumi, play trains run carrying a balloon, build/knock down megabricks ... fighting naps and bedtime.  I’ve witnessed Naomi’s transformation into a social butterball as she chows down and once fed makes incredible eye conversation, smiling and

cooing at you for 5-10 minutes straight. 

We all can visualize Teri carrying on, doting, snuggling, kissing and hugging Naomi and napping with her just as she did with Jack. 

Jack is traversing his mini-terrible two’s, but is more than equally engaging by grasping my finger to guide me to his ‘boy cave’ with alphabet floor, reading tent, slide and Mom-made rocket ship.  He knows all of the alphabet (da ba You) and numbers.  Yesterday he was given a magnifying glass and ingeniously turned it into a racquet swatting balloons up, down and around like a tennis ball.  Today he reluctantly then thrilled took his first sled ride down the hillock behind the house.

It is quite incredible that we have a 92+ year 4 generation span right here at the Cullivan’s.

Becky, Jeff and daughter Perry came to visit and bring Chinese dim sum.  Separately, Lois and David and Suzanne and Al came to visit and brought dim sum and Chinese noodles (haw fun, my father’s favorite).  Each of Teri’s long time college friends from NYC came several times to Milwaukee to spend time with and cook for Teri.  Lois organized the ‘awake wake’ for Teri.  Memorable memorial.   

John and I took Dad to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on the 26^th but none of his professional friends on staff in Asian Art were there that day.  He knew all about each of the Chinese ink painters on display dating back to the Southern Song dynasty 1100’s. 

Ben was here and became Jack’s ‘The Uncle Ben’ as in ‘The Ohio State University’ – very, very distinguished.  He continues to memorize his way through mountains of material at the 1.5 year mark and while here asked me to help him study, as if I still could.  Nevertheless I was honored and tried.

Back tracking

In October, I (Tony and Ying) took Dad to see three Chinese movies at the Milwaukee Film Festival – no small logistic feat since there is no handicap access or parking and he requires full arm support without his walker.  He said he didn’t understand two of them but enjoyed the documentary on Ai Wei Wei.  At the annual NASPGHAN meeting, I gave the first annual Teri Li Education Award to a young Chinese-American pediatric gastroenterologist.  Thank you for your contributions.

In November, an invited trip to Taipei for the World Congress (#4) of Pediatric GI was a highlight for me with two talks, one a keynote to the Taiwan Pediatric Society.  Most humorously, they made a bobble head of me from my picture.

Two night markets.  Palace Museum twice.  Visits with Li Chun-yi (an artist and art history PhD under my father’s PhD recipient Claudia – 2^nd generation), Xia Yifu (an artist my father helped) and Hsu Ming (art dealer) on my father’s behalf.  They want me to bring my father to Taiwan to honor him this next year – a daunting challenge!  On the return, I stopped in Japan to meet with a pediatric GI colleague and his colleague from Okayama, sight see and stay in his traditional Japanese house.

Meanwhile the electronic medical record was implemented at Children’s Hospital and is life altering for an ancient practitioner like me.  Not all in a good way – loss of eye contact with the patients and families, the templated ‘writing’ is at a 1^st grade syntax, and a serious case of Epic elbow (with all the keyboard activity) for which I am receiving PT. 

Thanksgiving was at Steve and Mary’s in Madison with the usual 25 members of the extended family eating Steve’s magical matzo ball soup, turkey with all the trimmings and extra, and pies.  He organizes an outrageous trivia contest.  As a common discussion theme, we all are facing elder care issues and demises ... and look to our next generation and thinking will they be there for us? 

In December, Prof. Wang’s UW-Milwaukee students in her course on modern Chinese painting came over to view our paintings and listen to my father expound.  He was his old professorial self, animated, full of extensive detail.  I invited several of my favorite GI fellows over and actually cooked.  My default invite cuisine is Chinese hot pot (aka huo guo, Mongolian hot pot, shabu shabu) where I make the guests cook for themselves.

My state

I think and dream of Teri daily, some so visceral that I can almost feel her touch  Life goes on with work (just reduced to 0.9) and evening and weekend efforts managing on my father’s medical, fiscal, housekeeping/food affairs as well as my own.  Because of all the changes in caretakers, I am now doing the evening cooking.  It takes until 9:00 pm before I sit down for myself.  He often forgets what I told him yesterday, but he remembers 1928 (age 8) as if yesterday.  But all in all, doing well for a 92 year old. 

When I feel self pity juggling my and all of Teri’s jobs, I just remember that nearly all women everywhere do it.  My modicum of balance comes from daily exercise, biking, spinning, running, yoga, Tai Chi and steam.  I watch the Buckeyes, study Chinese, and read – How Children Succeed by Paul Tough (I highly recommend).  I miss my partner, her companionship, my sounding board, my moral compass, my course corrector.  I wonder while will happen if I have another bike accident (2003 – broken scapula, two broken ribs), who will rescue me, who will fill in for my father …

Life is outwardly resuming normalcy, although internally it remains a challenge.  The future still seems mysterious.  I look forward to new adventures.

Naomi's world

Teri is smiling.