Paperless, treeless, Christmas/New Year’s letter

Thank you for the cards, pictures and X-mas letters!

Dad

Well, it’s nearly a fait accompli, he will move into assisted living on January 6^th.  The recent spate of triggered fire alarm/fire and police visit, and multiple falls without calling me for help screamed safety gap at me.  Although speaking less and ambulating gingerly with walker, his long term memory of Yuan Dynasty and contemporary ink paintings remains unperturbed.  After initial anger … he is a reluctantly resigned.  He will not lack in a sunny renovated room overlooking Lake Michigan with shared balcony.  St. John’s has a swimming pool (he swam daily until age 88) and 3 art galleries.  I’ve also arranged for home style Chinese food to be brought in.  All the best for him!  His new address for former graduate students Bob, Claudia, Janet and others will be:

Canterbury Court Unit 3324

St. John’s on the Lake

1840 N. Prospect Ave.

Milwaukee, WI  53202

At age 92-93, we still maintained a robust itinerary travelling to Mendham to see the great grand kids, to Vancouver for 5 weeks, to Chicago for dinner, to the art museum and a lobster dinner over Thanksgiving, and to his favorite Chinese restaurant this past week.  All of these adventures had their share of logistical challenges, confusion, temporary disappearances, and mini-fainting episodes, but we survived. 

Hot pot in cold Milwaukee

Despite our challenged father-son relationship, I will miss him as his daily management and dinners/evenings together have been the fulcrum of my existence for the past 26 months.  Yet, I will breathe easier not being on the brink for 24/7.

Ben

The BIG news is Ben’s mystery woman.  He was totally mum about her until we met during Thanksgiving in Milwaukee.  Her name is Theresa (!) and she is from San Francisco.  Their first big date was a trip to Vancouver.  They are very sucrose (natural) sweet on each other.  She met our extended family including the Chuns and Koslov/Fultons who did not grill her to a crisp.  She reminds me of someone with a similar name …

Bundled in Milwaukee

Shared experiences.  I spoke at the national APAMSA conference and to his local Michigan State chapter in East Lansing.  He asks me for my medical thoughts and advice.  I recall him at age 7 telling me that when he grew up he wanted to have his work desk facing and abutting mine.  A parental fantasy coming to fruition.  Depending upon the rotation, first it was pediatrics, then internal medicine, now maybe Emergency Medicine ... to be named later.  What fun to be able to cross-fertilize professionally.

                                                                                                             .

Rachel and John

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Naomi superbaby – needing stitches on her forehead!  Happy, smiling, fearless, focused, she knows what she wants.  Hmm, she reminds me of some Li/Ho women.  Watch out.  I observed a few tentative steps 6 weeks ago, and now she’s fully upright.  Jack guides me down to his boy cave for extended building/destruction and wild goose chasing.  He has a budding sense of humor and irony.  I read a Thanksgiving story to his Montessori class, a role Teri would have absolutely relished.  Rachel concocts gourmet ice creams (Earl Grey/cherries).  John completed two acquisitions, one international. 

"See, you ain't seen nothing yet!"

"Don't dump on me. Hee hee."

 Me

I work, I take care of my father, I exercise, I travel (in order of hours), therefore I am. 

I have reduced my work effort and have 9.4 weeks off – most importantly – but maintain a national profile giving invited lectures.  Each is an opportunity for renewal with family/friends/colleagues in East Lansing, Mendham, Albuquerque, Chicago, Chapel Hill, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Orlando, and NYC.

Took 3 big trips.  I visited Rob and Sharon’s paradise on Lovango Cay close to St. John’s for daily walk-in snorkeling which revealed a school of cuttlefish and a sea cucumber (not my favorite Chinese edible).  Then to Shanghai and a special visit to the new Chao Meng-fu (the Yuan dynasty painter on whom my father wrote several books) museum in Huzhou built on the site of his original house.  Finally, 5 weeks in Vancouver with my father in a Chinese immersion experience studying Mandarin and Chen (original) style Tai Chi with a master, eating gourmet dim sum and Chinese comfort foods, and biking 60 miles a week.

We presented the 2nd annual Teri Li Education award to Christine a young faculty from the U. Colorado.  The endowment is now over 45K!  Thank you.

Christmas

It is a difficult time.  Christmas was The highlight of Teri’s year, finding special presents, especially surprising stocking stuffers, playing Christmas music, designing the holiday meals, baking away, playing board games, forcing the violin, most of all surrounded by her kids.  We can’t reprise her holiday hearth.

This year, Ben and I decided to have a treeless, minimalist artifice of X-mas and devote our time watching movies, playing ping pong, and getting Dad ready for the big move.  She would understand.

Yet we still managed to evoke the essence of Christmas.  Having Ben and my father together one more time.  Exchanging Christmas notes.  “I feel throughout my life I’ve learned from both you and Mom a characteristic that’s just as important to the practice of medicine which is how to interact with people, how to treat others with respect, how to listen.  And I thank you both for that.”  Ahhhh.

I feel very blessed.  Having two children, two grand kids, a son-in-law each of whom I am proud of as individuals.  More than their accomplishments, I’m proud of the core values they espouse, and in particular the really good persons, parents, and partners they’ve become.  I enjoy them immensely.  I can’t ask for more.

Ben (now in SF) and I listen to an endless loop of Vince Guaraldi’s (Charley Brown) soothing jazzy Christmas album given by Theresa.  It’s great.

Travelin’ man, movin’ on

Travelling (to meet, to speak, to friends)

Eight places in six weeks, none exotic other than NYC (from Pittsburgh to Mendham, Chicago, Chicago, Columbus to Orlando, Mendham to NYC and back to Mendham).  “I travel therefore I am.”  But I’m taking a different approach.  I’m staying with friends if possible, and, triangulating to Mendham to maintain a relationship with the grandkids, as Teri would do.  I’m reconnoitering old friends and colleagues, and enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of relationships some neglected and mentorship.  

In Pittsburgh (Nausea and Vomiting conference), my cyclic vomiting family - Kathleen (President, CVSA) and David (retired, new author, the godfather of CVS care) and Thangam (rising star on the adult side) – was there.  A weekend side trip to Mendham where Jack pulled me into his boy cave for block building and 

Jack's boy cave

destroying and chasing, and Naomi is a little hesitant as she enters the stranger phobic stage.

In Chicago at the annual NASPGHAN (GI) meeting, I saw many professional friends, former colleagues, mentees who have become … Associate Professors!  Most importantly, Alan (from Boston Children’s) gave out the 2^nd Teri Li Education Award to a bright energetic Christine from U. of Colorado.  We will be 

Christine - 2nd Teri Li Education Awardee

editing the 2^nd Board Review Book together.  I stayed with Modena and Gary on Lakeshore Drive next to the Navy Pier.  Modena and I go back nearly 40 years to a time when we were former fellow medical students at Kansas and pediatric residents at Wisconsin!  It allowed me to walk/bus to the meeting, yet return to a conversational, restful evening.

The next week in Chicago, after the Council of Pediatric Subspecialties meeting, I ate with John and Nancy, former Chicago neighbors, to break sushi together at Tanoshi in Andersonville on 5547 N. Clark.  This is my all-time favorite sushi place where Mike invents unique flavors using truffle oil and other seasonings.

                               

My fall highlight was a return to Columbus to give the Juhling McClung (my wonderful former chief) Memorial Lecture at Nationwide Children’s Hospital.  It was laden with emotion.  He passed away 9 years ago.  I had a chance to see Helen his widow.  Another challenge was being invited by Carlo who is the best speaker in our entire NASPGHAN society.  But my jokes about the new hospital being supersized to accommodate obese Ohio children, about performing endoscopy in the 1980’s without face mask, gown or glove and inadvertently pioneering fecal matter transfer (well before the current fecal matter transplant rage), and Nationwide winning the 4 team bowl championship bowl by having the most national presidents amongst four semifinalists Cincinnati, Toronto and Boston during the BCS era ... all hit home.  Teri would have been proud.  I had lunch or dinner with former colleague Bob, former neighbors Cindy and John, and stayed and ate with gourmet mates Susan/AJ, Rhonda/Chris, Peg/Rick while seeing my Buckeyes whomp the Nittany Lions 63-14.

Cooooooold Script O-H-I-O with 106K fans

From there to balmy Orlando for the Academy of Pediatrics to speak about vomiting.  The important asides were with my former colleague Leo, good friend Mel (UCSF, editor JPGN), and good buddy Colin now a world beater for Mead-Johnson … who passed on the flu, the big one, to me.  I also had a lovely dinner with professional friend Rob and Janet from Pitt.

Did I suffer.  Sore throat, cough, chills, myalgias, lassitude, then bloody purulent sinus drainage and matted eyes that led to systemic and ophthalmic antibiotics over 10 days.  Missed 2 days of work and should have missed more but could not let down patients who had flown in from Florida, etc.  Fortunately, Maria ended up taking care of my father (urinary tract) and me separately so I wouldn’t pass the flu to him.

In recovery, I came east to Mendham, having been invited by NYU to give Grand Rounds, and had a nice dinner with my GI friend Yosi (also a grandparent, also trying how to retire gracefully).  Onto NYC where I ate with Teri’s college buddies Lois/Dave (new grandparents), Suzanne, and Becky/Jeff (both retired!),
catching up with kidz and grandkidz, and how to appropriately behave as grandpamas.  I went to the 9/11 Memorial, Time-Life Bldg, 

 MOMA, and walked on Highline (elevated garden walk from 14^th to 34^th St.).

Becky and I freezing on the Highline

Starry night at MOMA

  At the Memorial, thought about senseless deaths, man’s inhumanity, Teri, life and resilience.  As Becky pointed out, as NYC is becoming increasingly gentrified the neighborhoods are becoming less distinctive.  NYC nevertheless pulsates with tremendous energy, palpable wherever you walk, sightsee or eat.  I recommend Ippudo a pulsating, upscale ramen restaurant on 4^th Ave between 9^th and 10^th

Becky & Lois at Ippudo (where Legan's son Akira works)

(Astor Place stop on Subway 6).  Now I’m back to Mendham, playing with Jack and Naomi in the boy cave, taking Jack to school/reading a book to his class, going to Costco, Chinese grocery, picking up fresh apples, roasting marshmellows, watching a suspended tree surgeon, and setting up of a play structure.

Dad

In the midst of my sojourns, Dad became generally weak and was found on the floor four days out of five.  I was ill with the flu and tried to manage from afar.  The first visit let to a diagnosed urinary tract infection.  After more encounters with the floor, I sent him to the Emergency Room … same findings, normal brain scan.  It took him about 13 days to gain the strength to walk down to my end of the building.  In retrospect, it was ‘just’ a UTI, but in the elderly such can disorient, can weaken, can kill.  He was lucky.

This raised all sorts of flags as Dad is not monitored for 19 hours a day.  What to do?  His doctor says he belongs in assisted living.  ‘Teri promised that I wouldn’t have to go into a home – that’s why I moved here.’  ‘Teri is no longer here and I have to work…’  Silence.  I called around but couldn’t find any short term respite care while I traveled to NYC.  So I stepped up his current care, morning, noon, evening, hoping for the best.  I have to make this difficult decision alone as my sister is unable to contribute.  In the meantime, I continue to worry … 

Whereas many of my friends’ elderly parents similarly resisted being institutionalized, most seem to have adjusted well.  But my father simply wants to do his own thing (read, write, watch TV) independent of social interaction, and eat only Chinese food.  So, I am not sure he would do better, psychologically.

Kidz

Jack is now an experienced Montessori pupil (3^rd generation), full of energy, playfulness, and humor.  Naomi (nicknamed Godzilla – ‘nothing gets in my way’) is starting to walk Frankenstyle, and is warming up to me.  Both just crossed the 3^rd and 1^st year marks.  Jack has sharp ears (repeats a conversation) and a definite sense of humor.  Naomi is a bundle of fearless energy climbing up steps and onto

Playing 'heads up' peek-a-boo

 tables to reach the top of the heap.  John completed a second major acquisition for his company.  Rachel is enjoying being a home manager and juggler.  She just completed a half marathon a week ago in 1:35.  John also just completed a 200 mile team ultramarathon with 5 other members.  Ben passed his first national USMLE exam, and completed internal medicine and pediatric rotations, still enthused and passionate.

Moving on. 

In February, many friends began to speak to me about moving on with my life.  ‘It’s time for you to live for yourself’.  ‘You have to move forward.’  ‘You have another life ahead of you, you’re still ‘young’’.  ‘You’ll know when the time is right.’ 

From the frying pan to the fire, a blistering transition from 19 months of death defying care of Teri to 26 months of continuous care of my father.  There wasn’t any real down time for grieving, for clearing, for moving on.  For the longest time, I kept her clothes in the closet as a comfort measure, as if she had just gone on a long trip.  I only cleared out them out a month ago.  I did reach equanimity with Teri’s illness as it indelibly impacted my life.  I am still trying to reach the acceptance stage with my father as he was so absent in my life … I ironically am doing so much more for him than vice versa. 

So re-entry is a difficult challenge for obvious logistical (energy) reasons.  Then there is uncertainty, since I haven’t done so for 40+ years.  Then there are the comparisons, how will she compare, but that’s unfair.  But as my nurse said, ‘[By being so good,] Teri ruined it for you.’  And so on.  It is new territory, uncharted for me.

2 years

Last Monday was the 2^nd anniversary. 

After a wonderful 3 day weekend with my best friend Steve spent reminiscing, playing 3 hours of tennis, going to three movies (more than a whole year’s worth), eating out thrice, all a trios.  Monday was a quiet day.

That was good.

But it was filled with music.  And I talked to the kids.

During the art fair, juxtaposed to 50,000+ hogs in the Harley-Davidson parade vrooming past our condo, I purchased several albums of various well known violin etudes that the kids played when young and Suzuki.  On that Monday, as I played them, I realized that many of Teri’s favorites were there:  Ave Maria, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom, Schindler’s List …  The soul touching tunes brought back memories.  Some of the painful complications upon complications, hospitalizations upon hospitalizations.  Her fight and her fight.  Some of the good times, especially in Vancouver pre-Jack, at Jack’s first Christmas in Milwaukee, and in Columbus for Teri’s birthday.  And I looked at the photo albums that she compiled during her illness.  And I realized her focus was family, especially Jack.

So now, what is the meaning of Teri’s life and what have I learned from it? 

I enjoy Ben, Rachel and John, their challenges and successes. 

I revel in my grandson Jack who calls and leaves messages for me

I know Teri would relish granddaughter Naomi whose strong will she would recognize and support.

I delight in Teri’s favorite now resuscitated jasmine trees whose blossoms fragrant the entire condo.

I savor the friendships that have lasted and profound conversations that somehow happen.

And I take care of my father, as best as I can.

And so I endure. 

Thank you for all the calls and e-mails.  They mean a lot.

Circular wings spin

Into and out of the wind

Flying headlong, free

The way leads two ways

Trekking the precipice

Leaping to fate or folly

Top 10 reasons I like Vancouver

Vancouver is a lovely space, the site of our summer home for 5 weeks this year.  The top 10 reasons why I am becoming enamored with the city:

10. Living next to a Chinese mall:  Although it feels strange to live connected to a mall, it has its advantages, perhaps like living in the airport (Tom Hanks/The Terminal and Edward Snowden/Moscow).  Bank, post-office, food court, multiple top-notch restaurants, bakery, grocery, upscale boutiques, book store, Daiso (Japanese $2 store) are just a few weather-proofed steps away.  For Dad, whose walking radius is increasingly limited, this is a big bonus.  Also, we are adjacent to a Skytrain stop that provides quiet streamlined access to other parts of Vancouver. 

Downtown Vancouver, departure for Alaska, by boat, seaplane

9.  Summer weather:  Although cloudy most of the year, the summer is a pristine time here.  It is constantly intensely sunny (1 rainy day in 25), but comfortably temperate (75-82) and dry (60%), and mosquito-free so the homes and condos have no screens … you can leave windows open! 

8.  Scenery, THE outdoors:  I can see estuary, river, sea, forest, islands, and mountains (some with residual snow), all in a single panoramic scan.  My big outdoor challenge was completing the ‘Grind’ in above average time, a 2,800 vertical ft hike up Grouse Mountain … they even waive the hefty entry fee if you survive it!

Near death experience on the 'Grind'

7.  Ethnicity and diversity:  Vancouver is about 41% Asian, 33% Chinese.  In Richmond where we reside, it is about 97% Chinese, signage in Chinese, both mandarin and Cantonese speaking, akin to being in H.K.  Many women shield themselves from the sun with umbrellas, to prevent melanocytes from discoloring their skin (orthopedic osteoporotic heaven!).  The nouveau riche from mainland China are buying up condos and homes (replacing them with mega mansions) with suitcases cases full of $’s and not bargaining on price i.e. hiding the maximum amount of ?illicit money from the Chinese gov’t without a paper trail.

Nitobe Japanese Garden

6.  Chinese food, and more:  Vancouver is a foodie’s heaven.  A number of Chinese food critics rate it the best Chinese food in North America.  I agree.  It is broad within Chinese Cantonese dim sum (lunch dumplings), Shanghainese, Taiwanese, Szechuanese, Hainanese, hot pot … many food booths specializing in comfort foods typically  made in homes, e.g. bingzi (large pan fried dumplings with chives, mung bean threads and egg).  This is what Teri so loved.  It is broad within the Asian, and we’ve eaten Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese.  Last night, I ate outstanding Indonesian that can only be found in DC or SF.  It is deep with many outstanding restaurants in each subcategory, not just 1.  It is also cost-effective, a single rice platter at the food court with your choice of 3-4 meat, veggie, dofu toppings = $6.99 and feeds both of us for a meal.  Why cook?

5.  Canadians money and trust:  The new paper money is colorful and shiny, partly see through with an imbedded holographic image – each denomination has its easily distinguishable color:  5–blue, 10–lavender, 20–green, 50–red, 100-brown.  Rarely crinkled, usually crisp.  AND, as of several months ago, returned change is rounded to the nearest 5c (as pennies are being phased out):  1, 2c are rounded down to 0c and 3, 4 up to 5c.  But substantial pocket (e.g. $10) change can still accumulate in the form of $1 'loonies' and $2 ‘toonies'.  Street parking can be charged using your phone and will alert you for an extension when your paid time is almost up.  The Skytrain (subway) runs on an HONOR SYSTEM!  The turnstiles and exits are left open.  No one on duty.  The sky train is remotely run, no driver.  TRUST!  Mindboggling.  Can you imagine that in the States? 

4.  Father’s friends:  Although he speaks less and is becoming more frail and confused, his friends (mostly artists, art historians, art critics and ex-graduate students) still revere him.  We are invited out weekly.  My

Dad on a rough day

friends include a GI person, Tai Chi buddies, and his friends.  This trip, he was given 1 painting and 6 books, catalogs or published monographs (mostly written by or about the donor), and he gave catalogs of his Chinese ink painting exhibition at the Harvard and Phoenix museums.  I was given two paintings and 1 catalog.  If I were amongst GI friends, we would trade endoscopic stories and … emesis basins?  Not the same.

Artists, art historians, art critics & pediatric GI doc

3.  Bike paths:  Although a major city, dedicated bike paths, marked (sometimes elevated) bike lanes carved out of busy thoroughfares lead everywhere.  Bikes are welcome on buses and Skytrains.  Bike bridges traverse rivers under Sky trains.  The bike lanes are so friendly that the push button to change the traffic light at major intersections is placed at curbside, bike height.  Interestingly, a number of the bike paths have raspberry bushes along them and I see people stopping to pick and eat them - what a berry good idea for a natural treat.  On my 25 y/o chrom-molyb-steel bike, I’ve been able to put in 50-70 miles per week during 3 rides. NO CAR FOR 5 WEEKS, JUST 2 feet, 2 wheels, train wheels and boat.

2.  Chinese Tai Chi master Paul Tam:  I have become a Tai Chi pupil under si fu (master) Paul Tam at the CLF Kung Fu Club after being introduced by Jack and Mary.  Once I saw his style, I realized, although I had studied Tai Chi at Milwaukee’s Tai Chi Center for 2 years, beginning with Teri, I really didn’t grasp it.  He teaches Chen’s (original form of Tai Chi) Tai Chi 24, 18, 1^st routine, 2^nd routine, and sword in Cantonese, Mandarin and English and has studied with Chen’s descendants.  After looking at my form for 30 secs, he told me to start over.  I’m taking classes 3X/week for 4½ hours and am improving.  This is a long-term project.

1.  Chinese immersion experience:  So what of this annual sojourn?  Will it continue?  Will it be my father’s last?  I hope so and I don’t know.  But studying Chinese, by computer and with a tutor, hearing daily mandarin (Teri's dialect) and Cantonese (my father's), using my everyday (putong hua) Chinese in the stores, and practicing Tai Chi is like a summer immersion experience.  At once, it makes me feel dumb and awkward since I don’t speak more Chinese in this rich multilingual environment, but it challenges me daily, and causes new neurons in my brain and aching muscles to fire.  That’s the most important.  I'm still firing, and alive!

Vancouver, again

Vancouver – My father (turned 93) and I landed a week ago, planning to stay 5 weeks, if all goes well.  With three Chinese or Asian food courts within close proximity, food, especially Cantonese, Shanghai, Taiwanese comfort foods usually made in homes or sold in stands, is delectable and easy.  The very yum dim sum.  With the help of friends, I’ve engaged a caretaker to watch him so I can site see using the Sky Train.  I trekked the ‘Grind’ a 2,800 vertical foot hike up Grouse Mountain and survived, fully drenched!  I’ve resumed Tai Chi with Master Paul Tam, Chinese lessons, and Chinese history (Great Courses).  And biked 57 miles on my 30 year old chromolyb/steel.  

It’s been a banner week of reading:  John Sanford’s Silken Prey, Jimmy Connor’s Outsider (autobiography), Michael Pollan’s Cooked, and Eben Alexander’s Proof of Heaven.  The third highlights the importance of fire (grilling), water (braising, stewing), air (bread), earth (fermenting) and social congealing effect of cooking that is being lost to fast foods and microwave.  The fourth recounts near death experiences of an otherworldly realm as ‘perceived’ by a comatose neurosurgeon without a neocortex.  I recommend them as thought provoking.

It hasn’t been all fun, eats and exercise.  Getting Dad here on/off planes was more challenging.  He rides more than walks on his walker.  He sleeps more, and falls asleep easily, while sitting.  He is usually pleasant and his long-term memory is immaculate.  Yet, he is becoming more lost in fantasies, albeit them positive and grandiose, e.g. I will be made Dean of the Medical School and we will move to Vancouver permanently.  I completely lost it two days ago when he accused Ben and I of disrupting a 75 year old friendship last year that in fact ended disastrously as a result of his fantastical actions.  But who am I arguing with, my father or his demented alter ego?  How long is he safe to stay by himself, living independently, largely unmonitored?  Will this be our last stay together in Vancouver?

Madison – In one day, I spent quality time with Ray and Memee Chun, with my best friend Steve and Mary, held their brand new grandbaby Korben, and played tennis, ending with a family barbeque.  What a memorable ful-filled day!

Shanghai – Earlier this month, I gave several talks at a national peds GI conference, in English with a voice-racked Mandarin introduction.  Treated like an emperor, 10 course feast upon feast.  Temperature > 100.  Walked through Tian Zi Fang’s old narrow alleyways and Xin Tian Di’s new UPscale mall complex.  24 million.  Construction cranes punctuating the skyline.  Housing prices 400K US$ for 800 ft².  Visited the new Zhao Meng-fu museum in Huzhou for my father who wrote two books on his paintings, Lake Tai (3 white fishes), and Suzhou’s Humble Administrator and Lion’s Garden.  Experienced 4-handed massage à trois. 

As I travel in Teri’s favorite footsteps, I still see things through her eyes.  Today, I first realized that one of her gifts to friends, me, and especially the kids, was fully unconditional acceptance and love.  Accepting us warts, differing racial, ethnic, viewpoints and all.

I asked someone out.

1½ years

We passed the anniversary of Teri’s birthday, subsequent diagnosis and initial hospitalization 10 days later, with a plethora of memories.

Recent comments from:

Teri’s internist:  “I am so glad I got to know both her warmth and tenacity.”

Teri’s oncologist:  “I think about you and Teri every week.”

Mother of Teri’s pupil:  “I miss her dearly.”

Rachel and Ben’s first pediatrician:  “Teri was like a daughter to me.”

Best friend:  “Teri had a unique ability to connect with people.”

Travels this spring to:

Albuquerque (Grand Rounds, CVSA Prez Kathleen):  Seeing the open desert and mountains where we spent 10 months in the mid-70’s and acquired our dog Toshiro was a walk down memory lane, and retelling the story of how we met …

Columbus (gourmet club Peg/Rick Susan/AJ, Rhonda/Chris, MSU-OSU basketball game):  Discussing travails of parent care, and adventures of children and grandchildren, and querying me about ‘moving on’.

Madison (APAMSA talk, Memee/Ray, Steve/Mary, Paul/Dean):  Saw closest of friends, discussed our remaining parents (one just moved from home to a facility), expecting their first grandson, enjoyed Kat’s friend singing originals in a coffee house, saw Silver Linings Playbook, ate Vietnamese, played tennis with Ray and Steve – a great weekend!  And so happy that Ray continues to stave off AML with monthly chemotherapy for 17+ months.

Chapel Hill (American Board of Pediatrics, niece Jennifer/Matt):  Discussed Teri and life with her literate niece who teaches As Am literature at UNC.  So smart.  So perceptive.  Such good people. 

St. John’s (college roommate Rob/Sharon):  A newly built paradise on a private island.  Hiked, bike, snorkeled, read.  Some snorkel firsts:  manta ray, sea cucumber, school of squid, and a 'few' fish.  Many, many recollections of funny and serious college experiences, post-college life, kids and grandkids.  Also talked about ‘moving on’, living in the present.

East Lansing (APAMSA talk, Ben):  Ben works hard, harder, hardest.  All the time, timer, timest.  Semi-monastic.  He will be going to Flint, MI for his 3^rd and 4^th clinical years in a special program called Leadership in the Medically Underserved.  His classmates that I’ve met seem to be really good people, both in APAMSA and his non-APAMSA study partners and friends.  Ben is engaged in a steadfast effort to become a humanistic physician and carry on Teri’s legacy of serving the underserved. 

Mendham (Rachel/John/Jack/Naomi):  The family is now well ensconced in northern NJ, thriving in their synergistic support of each other, John at work, Rachel at motherhood – adeptly balancing Naomi’s round the clock feedings and Jack’s frenetic play.  They continue to exercise together and Rachel has returned to running her 7+ minute miles even pushing a double stroller.  She introduced me to yoga with weights.  Jack bursts with boundless energy and enthusiasm, excited and inflected speech that continuously narrates his play, strong will and constantly learning.  “the cano in karta, donesia is danger” (the volcano in Djakarta Indonesia is in danger).  He now calls me ‘gong gong’ this, ‘gong gong’ that (maternal side grandfather in Chinese).  Naomi has a bright-eyed alertness to everyone around her with an easily elicited smile and warmth, and four-limbed gyration over rice cereal.

Pretty in pink

Exploring Sandy's detritus

Winged kiss

Taking gong gong rock gathering

Legacy

I think about the meaning and impact of Teri’s life, often.  Her legacy becomes clearer to me, with time.  I did not appreciate it fully, while she was alive.  I now pay attention to her echoes and faint whispers.  As I peer through her eyes, I see the many ‘little’ things she noticed, the kids especially, the beauty around me, the relationships to be nurtured …

Most of all, it’s not about the national and local awards we have created in her name.

It’s her family, it’s you. 

Me

Somehow a better person has evolved, some the result of processes Teri set in motion, some that has emerged by necessity.  Teri was the strongest life force in our family, which I try to emulate.  I’m now more at peace with myself, more accepting of fate, despite the daunting challenges, especially with my father.  I have seen, engaged and dealt with my family demons.  I’m alive in the present, though I often look to the past.  I’m trying to look to the future, and regain that joie de vivre.

Celebrate Teri’s legacy with your own reflections.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Life is like a box of chocolates, 'except when its not'.

I decided to remove the blog post on Father and Son.

It dealt with a deeply personal issue of a flawed father-son relationship.  It bubbled up and over under the duress of total responsibility for my 92 year father, too many details to keep tract of that resulted in my father's disenrollment from Medicare Part D and another issue in Hong Kong ..., and facing surgery alone, without my partner. And it is hard to give daily care on an even keel when there is so much laden baggage.
 
Fortunately, I've had good friends to speak with and both Rachel and Ben have helped immensely.

The important result is that a long-standing father-son issue has resurfaced that has to be dealt with.

Teri was always insightful in these family matters.  As I look to learn from her own example in dealing with her parents, it began with acceptance and forgiveness.  

Indeed, my father is who he is and immutable.  And direct discussions have not led to any response whatsoever, perhaps age-related?

And in the absence of dialog or possibility of his changing, it begins with me, my acceptance of my father as who he was and has become ... and my forgiveness.