Wednesday was another day of goodbyes.
Lois – a college classmate from NY – recorded the events on her last day in the Froedtert Hospital below.
Many hospital staff came to Teri’s room to say goodbye and encourage her, but who in turn were encouraged by her. After the fourth visitor I realized that I was witnessing a very special interaction between Teri & her “caretakers” in how they nurtured each other and I began to take notes.
Goodbyes from hospital staff
- Don the nurse came in at 6:30 am to help her to the bathroom, etc. and to wish her well. He specifically wanted to say goodbye to her before he finished his shift. Teri asked about his fiancé and finding the right one, and you could see that they connected as friends as well. He said that Teri was blessed to have found her soulmate. She wished him well.
- Michael the PA’s first words to Teri was that she had fought the ‘good fight’ and that he has seen many, many transplant patients, but none that fought like her. He told her he admired her courage and she told him to continue his good work in caring for others.
- Teri & I started to watch “Fiddler on the Roof” when Dr. W. (psychology) & Dr. M. (palliative care) asked how Teri was doing. She said that she was in a good place. Dr. M. said that he remembered that Teri’s first words to him were “Get me home!” and said “Home is a good place to be”. Dr. W. said that she uses the beginning of “Fiddler on the Roof” to illustrate that each person’s “schemes, plans, ideals, traditions” determine their behaviors. Teri thanked each for their outstanding care, for making her cancer life more bearable. Dr. M. thanked her for her kind and warm words, which doctors don’t hear too often.
- Sandy, social worker, knew that Teri was special when they first met and gave Teri a plaque that epitomized her: “Courage is found in small quiet voices”. Comparing Teri to her own mother, she said that Teri had a “people’s soul” that connects to everyone she encounters. Sandy said was sorry that Teri couldn’t continue, but that she had lived a good life, raising 2 wonderful children as a testament. Most say that “the more you live life, the harder it is to let go”, but Sandy differed, and felt that people who don’t live their lives well, have regrets and want more time to accomplish things they didn’t do. But Teri embraced life. Sandy thanked her for letting her in. Teri said she appreciated the great work that Sandy did and to continue on.
- Rabbi M. said that when people first meet him, sometimes he doesn’t get a positive response. But Teri always was so warm and welcoming that he felt accepted. He wanted to know why she decided to have palliative care.
Her rationale
She explained that it was such a prolonged journey, jumping from one misery to another. It was not an easy decision, but one she had been thinking about thought for a while. She was very tired. The team had tried all different approaches, but each seemed either not to work or lead to another complication. At the end of 18 months, she didn’t seem to be getting better. She didn’t have any quality of life. She was totally dependent on machines and transfusions.
Rabbi M. wanted to know what he could do to help bring her the peace she sought. Noting that she gave it her all, he said he admired her strength and fortitude. Teri said that she didn’t like to talk about herself.
The rabbi shared a story from “Chicken Soup for the Soul’ about a person who said that “I would like to have my wake when I’m alive.” All of a sudden an epiphany. Teri said she wanted to have an “Awake Wake” [coined by Lois] and invite family and close friends to celebrate Teri’s life with her. Telling another story about Pres. Truman planning his funeral, said ‘It sounds so wonderful, I wish I could be there.” We have scheduled that impromptu event on Friday.
He said “God blessed you with a good, sweet, nurturing soul, the love of a good husband and children and grandson, Jack. I admire your fight, your love of life and how you embrace it to engender more life.” He sang Psalm 92 in Yiddish and quoted in English: “it is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night.”
- Dr. B., oncologist, said that Teri was radiating peace and comfort, for the first time in many months She said that she had courage to face each disease, intervention and complication head on, never backing off, shaking her fist, yet always joyful, in her journey, showing signs of grace and strength. She said Teri had touched many lives in very significant ways. She said it was a privilege and honor to get to know Teri, that she will treasure her goodness, gentleness, deep honor, that she will hold her in her heart.
Addressing B, she said she rarely sees a man so deeply in love with his wife in all the best ways, respectful, struggling together, a perfect match (Teri said like in “Fiddler” song “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”). She asked how B & Teri met, which Teri described in detail, even their wedding day. She gives B a hug.
B also said that at MCW, as a staff member, he thought he could advocate for the best care for Teri, but instead Teri, in her own unique connected approach had opened many doors for herself, bonding with staff at every level. Teri said that she developed a whole new family. Dr. B. said, “Godspeed, I wish you love, laughter, tears with people you love. Every chance encounter you get to know and care about others and they in turn care about you. Spirituality is connectedness – you exemplify that in the way you reach out to others.”
- Dr. R., attending physician, said that he had observed Teri’s entire course and where she is now, and understands that her decision is right for her. While others may wonder why she isn’t still pushing onward, she needs to be where she wants to be. He said that it was an honor to know and work with her. He said that he loves his job because of people like her. Teri encourages him to keep up the great effort.
- Two of the environmental services ladies came in to say good bye and that they will miss her
As we wheeled Teri through the length of the ward, we were swept through by a torrent of tears from environmental services, technicians, and nurses.
What an intense day of farewells.
Later, after returning home from the Froedtert Hospital for the last time, grandson Jack, Rachel, John. arrive.
Brother Tony and sister Terri arrive from Hayward on Wed and Thu. Terri, Teri and Tony above.
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