2 years

Last Monday was the 2^nd anniversary. 

After a wonderful 3 day weekend with my best friend Steve spent reminiscing, playing 3 hours of tennis, going to three movies (more than a whole year’s worth), eating out thrice, all a trios.  Monday was a quiet day.

That was good.

But it was filled with music.  And I talked to the kids.

During the art fair, juxtaposed to 50,000+ hogs in the Harley-Davidson parade vrooming past our condo, I purchased several albums of various well known violin etudes that the kids played when young and Suzuki.  On that Monday, as I played them, I realized that many of Teri’s favorites were there:  Ave Maria, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom, Schindler’s List …  The soul touching tunes brought back memories.  Some of the painful complications upon complications, hospitalizations upon hospitalizations.  Her fight and her fight.  Some of the good times, especially in Vancouver pre-Jack, at Jack’s first Christmas in Milwaukee, and in Columbus for Teri’s birthday.  And I looked at the photo albums that she compiled during her illness.  And I realized her focus was family, especially Jack.

So now, what is the meaning of Teri’s life and what have I learned from it? 

I enjoy Ben, Rachel and John, their challenges and successes. 

I revel in my grandson Jack who calls and leaves messages for me

I know Teri would relish granddaughter Naomi whose strong will she would recognize and support.

I delight in Teri’s favorite now resuscitated jasmine trees whose blossoms fragrant the entire condo.

I savor the friendships that have lasted and profound conversations that somehow happen.

And I take care of my father, as best as I can.

And so I endure. 

Thank you for all the calls and e-mails.  They mean a lot.

Circular wings spin

Into and out of the wind

Flying headlong, free

The way leads two ways

Trekking the precipice

Leaping to fate or folly

Top 10 reasons I like Vancouver

Vancouver is a lovely space, the site of our summer home for 5 weeks this year.  The top 10 reasons why I am becoming enamored with the city:

10. Living next to a Chinese mall:  Although it feels strange to live connected to a mall, it has its advantages, perhaps like living in the airport (Tom Hanks/The Terminal and Edward Snowden/Moscow).  Bank, post-office, food court, multiple top-notch restaurants, bakery, grocery, upscale boutiques, book store, Daiso (Japanese $2 store) are just a few weather-proofed steps away.  For Dad, whose walking radius is increasingly limited, this is a big bonus.  Also, we are adjacent to a Skytrain stop that provides quiet streamlined access to other parts of Vancouver. 

Downtown Vancouver, departure for Alaska, by boat, seaplane

9.  Summer weather:  Although cloudy most of the year, the summer is a pristine time here.  It is constantly intensely sunny (1 rainy day in 25), but comfortably temperate (75-82) and dry (60%), and mosquito-free so the homes and condos have no screens … you can leave windows open! 

8.  Scenery, THE outdoors:  I can see estuary, river, sea, forest, islands, and mountains (some with residual snow), all in a single panoramic scan.  My big outdoor challenge was completing the ‘Grind’ in above average time, a 2,800 vertical ft hike up Grouse Mountain … they even waive the hefty entry fee if you survive it!

Near death experience on the 'Grind'

7.  Ethnicity and diversity:  Vancouver is about 41% Asian, 33% Chinese.  In Richmond where we reside, it is about 97% Chinese, signage in Chinese, both mandarin and Cantonese speaking, akin to being in H.K.  Many women shield themselves from the sun with umbrellas, to prevent melanocytes from discoloring their skin (orthopedic osteoporotic heaven!).  The nouveau riche from mainland China are buying up condos and homes (replacing them with mega mansions) with suitcases cases full of $’s and not bargaining on price i.e. hiding the maximum amount of ?illicit money from the Chinese gov’t without a paper trail.

Nitobe Japanese Garden

6.  Chinese food, and more:  Vancouver is a foodie’s heaven.  A number of Chinese food critics rate it the best Chinese food in North America.  I agree.  It is broad within Chinese Cantonese dim sum (lunch dumplings), Shanghainese, Taiwanese, Szechuanese, Hainanese, hot pot … many food booths specializing in comfort foods typically  made in homes, e.g. bingzi (large pan fried dumplings with chives, mung bean threads and egg).  This is what Teri so loved.  It is broad within the Asian, and we’ve eaten Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese.  Last night, I ate outstanding Indonesian that can only be found in DC or SF.  It is deep with many outstanding restaurants in each subcategory, not just 1.  It is also cost-effective, a single rice platter at the food court with your choice of 3-4 meat, veggie, dofu toppings = $6.99 and feeds both of us for a meal.  Why cook?

5.  Canadians money and trust:  The new paper money is colorful and shiny, partly see through with an imbedded holographic image – each denomination has its easily distinguishable color:  5–blue, 10–lavender, 20–green, 50–red, 100-brown.  Rarely crinkled, usually crisp.  AND, as of several months ago, returned change is rounded to the nearest 5c (as pennies are being phased out):  1, 2c are rounded down to 0c and 3, 4 up to 5c.  But substantial pocket (e.g. $10) change can still accumulate in the form of $1 'loonies' and $2 ‘toonies'.  Street parking can be charged using your phone and will alert you for an extension when your paid time is almost up.  The Skytrain (subway) runs on an HONOR SYSTEM!  The turnstiles and exits are left open.  No one on duty.  The sky train is remotely run, no driver.  TRUST!  Mindboggling.  Can you imagine that in the States? 

4.  Father’s friends:  Although he speaks less and is becoming more frail and confused, his friends (mostly artists, art historians, art critics and ex-graduate students) still revere him.  We are invited out weekly.  My

Dad on a rough day

friends include a GI person, Tai Chi buddies, and his friends.  This trip, he was given 1 painting and 6 books, catalogs or published monographs (mostly written by or about the donor), and he gave catalogs of his Chinese ink painting exhibition at the Harvard and Phoenix museums.  I was given two paintings and 1 catalog.  If I were amongst GI friends, we would trade endoscopic stories and … emesis basins?  Not the same.

Artists, art historians, art critics & pediatric GI doc

3.  Bike paths:  Although a major city, dedicated bike paths, marked (sometimes elevated) bike lanes carved out of busy thoroughfares lead everywhere.  Bikes are welcome on buses and Skytrains.  Bike bridges traverse rivers under Sky trains.  The bike lanes are so friendly that the push button to change the traffic light at major intersections is placed at curbside, bike height.  Interestingly, a number of the bike paths have raspberry bushes along them and I see people stopping to pick and eat them - what a berry good idea for a natural treat.  On my 25 y/o chrom-molyb-steel bike, I’ve been able to put in 50-70 miles per week during 3 rides. NO CAR FOR 5 WEEKS, JUST 2 feet, 2 wheels, train wheels and boat.

2.  Chinese Tai Chi master Paul Tam:  I have become a Tai Chi pupil under si fu (master) Paul Tam at the CLF Kung Fu Club after being introduced by Jack and Mary.  Once I saw his style, I realized, although I had studied Tai Chi at Milwaukee’s Tai Chi Center for 2 years, beginning with Teri, I really didn’t grasp it.  He teaches Chen’s (original form of Tai Chi) Tai Chi 24, 18, 1^st routine, 2^nd routine, and sword in Cantonese, Mandarin and English and has studied with Chen’s descendants.  After looking at my form for 30 secs, he told me to start over.  I’m taking classes 3X/week for 4½ hours and am improving.  This is a long-term project.

1.  Chinese immersion experience:  So what of this annual sojourn?  Will it continue?  Will it be my father’s last?  I hope so and I don’t know.  But studying Chinese, by computer and with a tutor, hearing daily mandarin (Teri's dialect) and Cantonese (my father's), using my everyday (putong hua) Chinese in the stores, and practicing Tai Chi is like a summer immersion experience.  At once, it makes me feel dumb and awkward since I don’t speak more Chinese in this rich multilingual environment, but it challenges me daily, and causes new neurons in my brain and aching muscles to fire.  That’s the most important.  I'm still firing, and alive!

Vancouver, again

Vancouver – My father (turned 93) and I landed a week ago, planning to stay 5 weeks, if all goes well.  With three Chinese or Asian food courts within close proximity, food, especially Cantonese, Shanghai, Taiwanese comfort foods usually made in homes or sold in stands, is delectable and easy.  The very yum dim sum.  With the help of friends, I’ve engaged a caretaker to watch him so I can site see using the Sky Train.  I trekked the ‘Grind’ a 2,800 vertical foot hike up Grouse Mountain and survived, fully drenched!  I’ve resumed Tai Chi with Master Paul Tam, Chinese lessons, and Chinese history (Great Courses).  And biked 57 miles on my 30 year old chromolyb/steel.  

It’s been a banner week of reading:  John Sanford’s Silken Prey, Jimmy Connor’s Outsider (autobiography), Michael Pollan’s Cooked, and Eben Alexander’s Proof of Heaven.  The third highlights the importance of fire (grilling), water (braising, stewing), air (bread), earth (fermenting) and social congealing effect of cooking that is being lost to fast foods and microwave.  The fourth recounts near death experiences of an otherworldly realm as ‘perceived’ by a comatose neurosurgeon without a neocortex.  I recommend them as thought provoking.

It hasn’t been all fun, eats and exercise.  Getting Dad here on/off planes was more challenging.  He rides more than walks on his walker.  He sleeps more, and falls asleep easily, while sitting.  He is usually pleasant and his long-term memory is immaculate.  Yet, he is becoming more lost in fantasies, albeit them positive and grandiose, e.g. I will be made Dean of the Medical School and we will move to Vancouver permanently.  I completely lost it two days ago when he accused Ben and I of disrupting a 75 year old friendship last year that in fact ended disastrously as a result of his fantastical actions.  But who am I arguing with, my father or his demented alter ego?  How long is he safe to stay by himself, living independently, largely unmonitored?  Will this be our last stay together in Vancouver?

Madison – In one day, I spent quality time with Ray and Memee Chun, with my best friend Steve and Mary, held their brand new grandbaby Korben, and played tennis, ending with a family barbeque.  What a memorable ful-filled day!

Shanghai – Earlier this month, I gave several talks at a national peds GI conference, in English with a voice-racked Mandarin introduction.  Treated like an emperor, 10 course feast upon feast.  Temperature > 100.  Walked through Tian Zi Fang’s old narrow alleyways and Xin Tian Di’s new UPscale mall complex.  24 million.  Construction cranes punctuating the skyline.  Housing prices 400K US$ for 800 ft².  Visited the new Zhao Meng-fu museum in Huzhou for my father who wrote two books on his paintings, Lake Tai (3 white fishes), and Suzhou’s Humble Administrator and Lion’s Garden.  Experienced 4-handed massage à trois. 

As I travel in Teri’s favorite footsteps, I still see things through her eyes.  Today, I first realized that one of her gifts to friends, me, and especially the kids, was fully unconditional acceptance and love.  Accepting us warts, differing racial, ethnic, viewpoints and all.

I asked someone out.

1½ years

We passed the anniversary of Teri’s birthday, subsequent diagnosis and initial hospitalization 10 days later, with a plethora of memories.

Recent comments from:

Teri’s internist:  “I am so glad I got to know both her warmth and tenacity.”

Teri’s oncologist:  “I think about you and Teri every week.”

Mother of Teri’s pupil:  “I miss her dearly.”

Rachel and Ben’s first pediatrician:  “Teri was like a daughter to me.”

Best friend:  “Teri had a unique ability to connect with people.”

Travels this spring to:

Albuquerque (Grand Rounds, CVSA Prez Kathleen):  Seeing the open desert and mountains where we spent 10 months in the mid-70’s and acquired our dog Toshiro was a walk down memory lane, and retelling the story of how we met …

Columbus (gourmet club Peg/Rick Susan/AJ, Rhonda/Chris, MSU-OSU basketball game):  Discussing travails of parent care, and adventures of children and grandchildren, and querying me about ‘moving on’.

Madison (APAMSA talk, Memee/Ray, Steve/Mary, Paul/Dean):  Saw closest of friends, discussed our remaining parents (one just moved from home to a facility), expecting their first grandson, enjoyed Kat’s friend singing originals in a coffee house, saw Silver Linings Playbook, ate Vietnamese, played tennis with Ray and Steve – a great weekend!  And so happy that Ray continues to stave off AML with monthly chemotherapy for 17+ months.

Chapel Hill (American Board of Pediatrics, niece Jennifer/Matt):  Discussed Teri and life with her literate niece who teaches As Am literature at UNC.  So smart.  So perceptive.  Such good people. 

St. John’s (college roommate Rob/Sharon):  A newly built paradise on a private island.  Hiked, bike, snorkeled, read.  Some snorkel firsts:  manta ray, sea cucumber, school of squid, and a 'few' fish.  Many, many recollections of funny and serious college experiences, post-college life, kids and grandkids.  Also talked about ‘moving on’, living in the present.

East Lansing (APAMSA talk, Ben):  Ben works hard, harder, hardest.  All the time, timer, timest.  Semi-monastic.  He will be going to Flint, MI for his 3^rd and 4^th clinical years in a special program called Leadership in the Medically Underserved.  His classmates that I’ve met seem to be really good people, both in APAMSA and his non-APAMSA study partners and friends.  Ben is engaged in a steadfast effort to become a humanistic physician and carry on Teri’s legacy of serving the underserved. 

Mendham (Rachel/John/Jack/Naomi):  The family is now well ensconced in northern NJ, thriving in their synergistic support of each other, John at work, Rachel at motherhood – adeptly balancing Naomi’s round the clock feedings and Jack’s frenetic play.  They continue to exercise together and Rachel has returned to running her 7+ minute miles even pushing a double stroller.  She introduced me to yoga with weights.  Jack bursts with boundless energy and enthusiasm, excited and inflected speech that continuously narrates his play, strong will and constantly learning.  “the cano in karta, donesia is danger” (the volcano in Djakarta Indonesia is in danger).  He now calls me ‘gong gong’ this, ‘gong gong’ that (maternal side grandfather in Chinese).  Naomi has a bright-eyed alertness to everyone around her with an easily elicited smile and warmth, and four-limbed gyration over rice cereal.

Pretty in pink

Exploring Sandy's detritus

Winged kiss

Taking gong gong rock gathering

Legacy

I think about the meaning and impact of Teri’s life, often.  Her legacy becomes clearer to me, with time.  I did not appreciate it fully, while she was alive.  I now pay attention to her echoes and faint whispers.  As I peer through her eyes, I see the many ‘little’ things she noticed, the kids especially, the beauty around me, the relationships to be nurtured …

Most of all, it’s not about the national and local awards we have created in her name.

It’s her family, it’s you. 

Me

Somehow a better person has evolved, some the result of processes Teri set in motion, some that has emerged by necessity.  Teri was the strongest life force in our family, which I try to emulate.  I’m now more at peace with myself, more accepting of fate, despite the daunting challenges, especially with my father.  I have seen, engaged and dealt with my family demons.  I’m alive in the present, though I often look to the past.  I’m trying to look to the future, and regain that joie de vivre.

Celebrate Teri’s legacy with your own reflections.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Life is like a box of chocolates, 'except when its not'.

I decided to remove the blog post on Father and Son.

It dealt with a deeply personal issue of a flawed father-son relationship.  It bubbled up and over under the duress of total responsibility for my 92 year father, too many details to keep tract of that resulted in my father's disenrollment from Medicare Part D and another issue in Hong Kong ..., and facing surgery alone, without my partner. And it is hard to give daily care on an even keel when there is so much laden baggage.
 
Fortunately, I've had good friends to speak with and both Rachel and Ben have helped immensely.

The important result is that a long-standing father-son issue has resurfaced that has to be dealt with.

Teri was always insightful in these family matters.  As I look to learn from her own example in dealing with her parents, it began with acceptance and forgiveness.  

Indeed, my father is who he is and immutable.  And direct discussions have not led to any response whatsoever, perhaps age-related?

And in the absence of dialog or possibility of his changing, it begins with me, my acceptance of my father as who he was and has become ... and my forgiveness.

 

Christmas with the Cullivans

Christmas was always Teri’s favorite time of year.  It was about gathering with family in various places over the years, in the Bay Area or Kansas, in Columbus, Chicago or Milwaukee.  Playing violin and piano (however reluctantly), writing letters to Santa on Christmas eve, finding unique stocking stuffers and presents, recalling memories of past holidays, playing games and eating comfort and holiday foods ... and her first grandson, Jack.  And now, here we are – Ben, Dad and I – are at the hearth of John and Rachel, Jack and Naomi in Mendham, NJ.

We experienced a white Christmas with an inch on Christmas eve and 3-4 more on the 28^th.  And Rachel turned this holiday into a warm, well-organized, welcoming and relaxed festive time replete with toddler tickling, baby bundling and holiday cheer.  Teri would be proud.

In 9 days, I have fallen under the spell of Naomi’s rhythm, eat, poop, smile, look, coo, and sleep without all of Rachel’s responsibilities.  I also see Jack’s rhythm of play, eat, watch Umizumi, play trains run carrying a balloon, build/knock down megabricks ... fighting naps and bedtime.  I’ve witnessed Naomi’s transformation into a social butterball as she chows down and once fed makes incredible eye conversation, smiling and

cooing at you for 5-10 minutes straight. 

We all can visualize Teri carrying on, doting, snuggling, kissing and hugging Naomi and napping with her just as she did with Jack. 

Jack is traversing his mini-terrible two’s, but is more than equally engaging by grasping my finger to guide me to his ‘boy cave’ with alphabet floor, reading tent, slide and Mom-made rocket ship.  He knows all of the alphabet (da ba You) and numbers.  Yesterday he was given a magnifying glass and ingeniously turned it into a racquet swatting balloons up, down and around like a tennis ball.  Today he reluctantly then thrilled took his first sled ride down the hillock behind the house.

It is quite incredible that we have a 92+ year 4 generation span right here at the Cullivan’s.

Becky, Jeff and daughter Perry came to visit and bring Chinese dim sum.  Separately, Lois and David and Suzanne and Al came to visit and brought dim sum and Chinese noodles (haw fun, my father’s favorite).  Each of Teri’s long time college friends from NYC came several times to Milwaukee to spend time with and cook for Teri.  Lois organized the ‘awake wake’ for Teri.  Memorable memorial.   

John and I took Dad to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on the 26^th but none of his professional friends on staff in Asian Art were there that day.  He knew all about each of the Chinese ink painters on display dating back to the Southern Song dynasty 1100’s. 

Ben was here and became Jack’s ‘The Uncle Ben’ as in ‘The Ohio State University’ – very, very distinguished.  He continues to memorize his way through mountains of material at the 1.5 year mark and while here asked me to help him study, as if I still could.  Nevertheless I was honored and tried.

Back tracking

In October, I (Tony and Ying) took Dad to see three Chinese movies at the Milwaukee Film Festival – no small logistic feat since there is no handicap access or parking and he requires full arm support without his walker.  He said he didn’t understand two of them but enjoyed the documentary on Ai Wei Wei.  At the annual NASPGHAN meeting, I gave the first annual Teri Li Education Award to a young Chinese-American pediatric gastroenterologist.  Thank you for your contributions.

In November, an invited trip to Taipei for the World Congress (#4) of Pediatric GI was a highlight for me with two talks, one a keynote to the Taiwan Pediatric Society.  Most humorously, they made a bobble head of me from my picture.

Two night markets.  Palace Museum twice.  Visits with Li Chun-yi (an artist and art history PhD under my father’s PhD recipient Claudia – 2^nd generation), Xia Yifu (an artist my father helped) and Hsu Ming (art dealer) on my father’s behalf.  They want me to bring my father to Taiwan to honor him this next year – a daunting challenge!  On the return, I stopped in Japan to meet with a pediatric GI colleague and his colleague from Okayama, sight see and stay in his traditional Japanese house.

Meanwhile the electronic medical record was implemented at Children’s Hospital and is life altering for an ancient practitioner like me.  Not all in a good way – loss of eye contact with the patients and families, the templated ‘writing’ is at a 1^st grade syntax, and a serious case of Epic elbow (with all the keyboard activity) for which I am receiving PT. 

Thanksgiving was at Steve and Mary’s in Madison with the usual 25 members of the extended family eating Steve’s magical matzo ball soup, turkey with all the trimmings and extra, and pies.  He organizes an outrageous trivia contest.  As a common discussion theme, we all are facing elder care issues and demises ... and look to our next generation and thinking will they be there for us? 

In December, Prof. Wang’s UW-Milwaukee students in her course on modern Chinese painting came over to view our paintings and listen to my father expound.  He was his old professorial self, animated, full of extensive detail.  I invited several of my favorite GI fellows over and actually cooked.  My default invite cuisine is Chinese hot pot (aka huo guo, Mongolian hot pot, shabu shabu) where I make the guests cook for themselves.

My state

I think and dream of Teri daily, some so visceral that I can almost feel her touch  Life goes on with work (just reduced to 0.9) and evening and weekend efforts managing on my father’s medical, fiscal, housekeeping/food affairs as well as my own.  Because of all the changes in caretakers, I am now doing the evening cooking.  It takes until 9:00 pm before I sit down for myself.  He often forgets what I told him yesterday, but he remembers 1928 (age 8) as if yesterday.  But all in all, doing well for a 92 year old. 

When I feel self pity juggling my and all of Teri’s jobs, I just remember that nearly all women everywhere do it.  My modicum of balance comes from daily exercise, biking, spinning, running, yoga, Tai Chi and steam.  I watch the Buckeyes, study Chinese, and read – How Children Succeed by Paul Tough (I highly recommend).  I miss my partner, her companionship, my sounding board, my moral compass, my course corrector.  I wonder while will happen if I have another bike accident (2003 – broken scapula, two broken ribs), who will rescue me, who will fill in for my father …

Life is outwardly resuming normalcy, although internally it remains a challenge.  The future still seems mysterious.  I look forward to new adventures.

Naomi's world

Teri is smiling.