The one year anniversary, today

Thanks to family and friends for your cards, thoughts, prayers, lit candles, e-mails, and phone calls.

Today was a quiet sunny blustery warm day.  I went for a 22 mile bike ride and gazed out at the azure Lake Michigan thinking of Teri and how much she loved water … watching, swimming, snorkeling.  I talked to the kids who were handling the day in their own contained way. 

Many of you have asked how I am handling it.  I think of her daily, have flashbacks, fond memories big and small, dreams … and today is no different.  The memories are vivid, seemingly recent.  But today, there is an abiding emptiness, which food and memories can’t fill. 

Two weeks ago, Rachel, John, little Jack, Ben and I gathered at Lakeside MI at a bed and breakfast where Teri, I, Lyn and Subbhash used to stay.  Situated on a bluff, we walked down 104 steps to a private white sand beach, stretching to shallows over sand bars 200 yards out.  We swam out to the sand bars that Teri and I used to conquer.  Jack played endlessly in the sand and knocked down little sand towers we made just for that purpose.  We had a little ceremony and spread some of Teri’s ashes in the water.  

Teri was with us.

We let one of Dad’s caregivers go and his favorite also had to go.  Involved story.  The last two weeks, I’ve done everything.  I have a professional agency providing two women, but I’m still doing the evening cooking and care.  Next week, after I give grand rounds in Kansas City, I will take my father back to the Kansas to visit the friends he hasn’t seen for more than 3 years.  They will have a luncheon for him at the Nelson-Atkins Museum where he was a research curator and a dinner at a KU faculty home in Lawrence.  It will be a homecoming.

Rachel is 8 weeks and counting down.  She and John move into their new home next week in Mendham, NJ.

Keep in touch.

P.S.  Someone sent me a tiny glass bluebird, but I don't know who.

Vancouver, full of memories, and another on the way

Teri’s last visit

Teri, I, Dad, Rachel (+Jack), John and Ben were here in Vancouver exactly two years ago after Teri had recovered from her first rounds of chemotherapy.  She was beat down by chemo, as is always the case, but beginning to recover herself, her energy, appetite and hair.  It would turn out to be her best period of her whole 19 month illness! 

She wanted to do everything, eat, sight see.  She wanted to eat everything Chinese, northern (her style) Shanghai, seafood (crab, lobster …), dim sum, comfort foods that one cannot usually buy in restaurants.  We live within several hundred feet of three food courts and they have steamers full of meat-filled buns, bingzi, sticky rice rolls, dumplings, zongzhi, a Taiwanese night market stand (no stinky dofu) besides prepared Chinese foods and unprepared sushi.

She loved to shop next door at Daiso, the Japanese $2 store where you can buy everything for $2 (kitchen ware, envelopes, bungee cords, belts).  One of our accomplished artist friends buys all his art supplies there!  She wanted to go up to Grouse Mountain (ski) north of Vancouver and we even took Dad up there but stopped short of the ski lifts.  We went to the point of the Richmond, and saw 7 bald eagles nesting.  She was so happy to be surrounded by her whole family and was so full of her usual high energy! 

As I am at home, everything here reminds me of her, her aesthetics, her practical touches, her forethought.  We purchased the furniture together, but she outfitted the all of the kitchenware and bathroom ware …  This time, every time I need something, I just look and there it is … a rice scooper, a tape measure, tongs …  All of the necessary phone numbers are taped in sight, as are the instructions on opening and closing the place.  Most of the bills are on autopay.  She listed places to go.

Dad and I reminisce about how much of herself she put into the place and how much she would have continued to enjoy it to its fullest.  It was more than food.  It was the cultural milieu, Mandarin-speaking, Cantonese-speaking, and English-speaking, all in one sentence.  She felt TOTALLY at home, comfortable.  Ironically, because my 1^st year Mandarin is book learned Cantonese (my parents’ dialect) dates back age 3, I’m uncomfortable because I feel I should speak Chinese but don’t, and don’t meet the expectation that I do.  That is changing.  As I spend more time here, sounds come back to me, even Cantonese.

Richmond where we live is changing.  More and more mainland Chinese are emigrating.  A new 6 story shopping and business center is going up right next door.  Endless Chinese (northern, southern, Szechaun, Hunan, seafood, buffets, hot pot, noodle shops, dim sum) restaurants all signage in Chinese.  More and more condos, but half end in rentals.  It is like being in Hong Kong, but better, weather etc.

We are located right next to the Sky Train.  Ben came for four days and we took the Sky Train and shuttle up to Capilano suspension bridge across the bridge in North Vancouver where it is replete with an elevated tree walk, and a new suspended glass walk off the face of a cliff, 300 feet down to the bottom of the gorge.  Ben is in LA for the summer volunteering/researching at Children's Hospital of LA.  The same day he left Vancouver, he flew to Nicaragua to volunteer doing health education and observing in a town just outside Managua.

Hey, hey, hey, another on the way

Rachel, John and Jack skype to keep Dad and I in his little loop.  He is energetic, always motoring and happy as a clam.  Rachel and John bought a house in Mendham and will move in a couple of months.  Did we share the big news that a little sister coming soon in October!!  Teri would be sooo happy.

Dad

Dad is comfortable.  I take care of him.  He is not walking as far and so I push him seated in his walker.  He does most of his self care.  He has a social circle, mostly Chinese artists, art historians and art critics, former art history students of his and close college friends from China, now those remaining all nonagenarians.  They come to visit.  We go to dim sum.  They have a party.  We hold a party at a restaurant.  Some bring Chinese ink paintings to look at.  Others bring catalogs of their paintings.

There has been some confusion/fantasy, not new, that led to his wanting to take action and a resulting conflagration and impasse but we survived.  Ben helped us through it.

He is convinced that I will be appointed Dean of the UBC Medical School and has told several people here that.  I walk him through the fact that I don’t have the proper administrative experience to qualify for that position.  He clings to that notion, perhaps in the hope that we would move here.  At least, his fantasies are relentlessly positive.

Me

As part of my cutting back, I took four weeks to bring Dad to Vancouver.  I never know whether it will be the last time. 

We are eating, but have cut down from the gluttony of the first week.  In between these social visits and repasts, I have been remarkably productive.  I work on three presentations (Kansas City, Salt Lake City, Taipei) and one abstract, and on research back in Milwaukee by e-mail.

I exercise > once/day, elliptical, running, bicycling, weights, Tai chi.  I shipped my 1987 Nishiki Tri-A steel chrome-molybdenum and was able to resurrect it with a few tools.  I’ve been riding 15 miles 3X/week.

I’ve been taking a Tai chi class 3X/week with Master Paul doing the Chen 24 moves.  He is a national kung fu champion specializing in Southern Fist.  With correct exercises and posture, my thighs ache.

I restarted learning Mandarin beginning with Rosetta stone about six months ago and am becoming more disciplined.  Everybody here says I improved, but given my starting point that’s not necessarily a huge quantitative compliment.  I decided to get a tutor and we meet once a week and skype several nights a week.  Since Rosetta stone is big on repetition but not on explaining conventions, she is taking the opposite tack and I feel I have someone to whom I can pose questions and meaning, nuance, structure.

I also wrote 80 cards to those of you who donated to the Teri Li Education Fund at NASPGHAN to fund an educational award and pilot grant to young educators in our pediatric gastroenterology society.

Almost finished Ghost Wars Steve Coll's 600 page Pulitzer-winning account of the Afghan/Pakistani/Saudi/US mess that let bin Laden through its grasp and led up to 9/11.

I reheat/cook, clean, do laundry, shop, wheel my father around daily, but so do most women around the world.

Whew, all in all, a full day’s work and play.  I sleep well.

How am I doing?  Good question.  I still grieve and/or dream and/or think about Teri every single day.  I sometimes feel so lucky to have met Teri and remained completely in love with her for 40 years.  Did I show it, enough?  And, I feel loss.  And, I learn daily how she affected other people, Dad, and especially how she affected Rachel and Ben.  And I see with new eyes how she saturated my whole environment with beauty, memories, and love.

P.S.  I spent quality time with two of Teri’s nieces, Jeanine and Jennifer, the last several months during my travels, as Teri undoubtedly would have accompanied me and done.  Indeed, part of my motivation in selecting those meetings/invitations was the chance to get together with them, and I added on am extra day.  It was delightful.  They are both strong and good young women!  Teri would be so proud.  

40th anniversary & mother's day (5/14 & 5/13) - Travels 2008-2009

Buenos Aires - El Caminto

Hospital Italiano - Marina & Daniel peds GI

Iguassu Falls (275 total), Brasil

Yellow Mountain, Anhui Province, inspiration for Chinese landscape paintings

Zhouzhuang, Water town, near Shanghai

Up and down the mountain

B's cousin in Taipei

Taiwan Pediatric GI Society leaders

Bullet train 288 km/hr to Kaohsiung

Ahhh, foot bath, 24 hour massage ...

Chapel Tonghai U. Taichung, designed by Dad's friend Chen Qikuan

Katsura Royal Villa, Kyioto

Good friend, Nagita-san, peds GI, Kyoto

Teri and alter ego in Venezia

Spanish steps, Roma

Gelato, gelato, gelato ... Firenze

Pasta a la Roma

Remembering travels 2005-2007

As I sorted through pictures this weekend, these reminded me of our trips together from 2005-2007,.  We, now regrettably, took remarkably few pictures of ourselves on our travels.  I share these few with you.

Making pottery in Okayama, Japan

Katsura Villa, Kyoto, classical capital of Japan

B's favorite city Kyoto - classical, gardens, temples ... peaceful pockets

Next to B's house - lived 8 months in Kyoto as teenager

Ryoan-ji most famous Zen rock garden

With proprietess of elegant Kyoto restaurant

Her exquisite, dainty, aesthetic multi-course meal

A special all tofu restaurant - plain, but comforting

Mano a mano in Chengdu

'OK, one more apple, now smile ...'

 

The Potala

Alas, my lassie in Lhasa

Rotating the Tibetan prayer wheel

My aunt (mother's sister) in Guangzhou

Father at the gate to his ancestral village Conghua

Father visited his ancestral home for first time in 70 years - all-but abandoned, but full of memories .

Extended Li's - father's cousins and nephews

Enjoying her most favorite xiao long bao at their origin in Shanghai

Surgery, father, and kids

Surgery

I’m sitting here sore in my lower abdomen, having difficulty bending over and walking upright.  Coughing is no fun.  Better than yesterday. 

On Wednesday, I had bilateral laparoscopic herniorrhaphies.  It took an hour and a half and have since been taking only acetaminophen.  Smooth.  I took Jack’s picture with me into surgery, like a transitional object.

Pirate eater

But, I developed acute urinary retention from the anesthesia and ended up being sent home with a Foley catheter.  Very frustrating.  It evoked many bittersweet memories of taking care of my father’s and Teri’s double nephrostomy tubes for 6 months. 

Given a choice of whether to stay in hospital or return home with catheter, I naturally opted for the latter, but quickly realized that managing it, lining the bed, changing to the nighttime drainage bag was really meant for a deft helper, especially when one is groggy and post-operative.  Where is my Teri?

Father

His health is stable and good.  No visits to the Emergency Department.  Knock on wood. 

An article that he wrote (in 2008) just came out in this year 2012 in a two-volume Feschrift on the occasion of Prof. Wen Fong’s retirement from Princeton.  My father spent a very productive semester and summer there with him as a post-graduate fellow in 1960.  My father’s article was about a recently discovered Yuan dynasty painting by Zhao Menfu (Chao Meng-fu), an artist, callitgrapher, poet, scholar, official that was my father’s main academic subect.  Can you imagine publishing an original article at age 91!  I’m going to be brain dead at that age, if alive.

My father recently received some heart warming career accolades from Nancy Steinhardt and John Barnhart, Professors of Art History (Chinese) at Penn and Yale.  Steinhardt “luminaries in the Chinese art field Cahill, Fong, Ho and Chu-tsing Li … Every student during this period turned to Li’s Autumn Colors on the Ch’iao and Hua Mountains as the model for both the study of a seminal painting and the specific questions to ask about a Yuan Painting masterpiece.”  Barnhart: “Your book on Zhao Menfu was one of earliest influences on my study of art history, but it has been only over the many years since then that I have come to realize how important that book [has]]been to the field of Chinese art history as a whole.”

Family

I think about Teri daily.  I’m listening to her favorite Christmas music, now.

I achieve another step in closure.  I organized a thank you - Chinese New Year luncheon for our division.

A week ago, Ron and I spontaneously went to see Jeremy Lin play the Milwaukee Bucks.  20 points, 13 assists.  Good offensive flow but a four point loss.

March Madness – my favorite sports time of year - we’ll see how far the OSU Buckeyes go.  Finished PD James Death comes to Pemberley, a mystery that follow Elizabeth and Darcy down the road.  Dad and I will watch Hugo together.

            

I saw Rachel and Jack in Columbus mid February.  Jack and I have bonded.  He is so curious about everything especially remote controls.  He can sway in time to the music.  He is so happy.  He says a few words and uses a few signs.  He goes to the Children’s museum twice a week and to the library once a week.  He still ‘runs’ with Mom and Dad in the jogger and has put in hundreds of miles in all kinds of inclement weather.  John commutes back to Columbus on the weekends.  Rachel is a creative mother who finds all kinds of ways to challenge Jack.

Ben breezed in for 14 hours on his way to Los Angeles for spring break and 6 hours on his way back.  His coursework is intense with relentless weekly quizzes and exams in neuroscience, microbiology/immunology, cell biology/physiology II, epidemiology, pathology and clinical skills.  Looking at his syllabus and online presentations makes me feel fortunate to have finished in an earlier era when there was seemingly less to assimilate.  He is disciplined and responsible.

As I think about Teri, in her unique way, she developed such a good ‘taste’ in friends.  She had so many true friends, YOU, smart and accomplished, and willing to fly across the country to come to her aid.  As I reviewed last year’s calendar, I realized how many days of her post-transplant life were spent surrounded by supportive family and friends.

I think about how much of her remains within the kids and grandkid.  I see the strong core sense of right and wrong.  The strong sense for good trustworthy people.  The fierce Tiger mom determination in her children’s success.  She would be so proud of who they are even more than their successes. 

We all dream constantly about her, being here, being healthy.

Happy Birthday, Teri

One year ago ...

The holidays, Rachel and John are moving, Teri’s award

Ben said I should write. 

It’s been a while.

A lot to do, back to working full time, and taking care of two households and Dad.

One good thing, I exercise nearly every day, but have several new routines, Tuesday Yoga, Saturday Tai Chi and Sunday Spinning.

Grieving still, professionally, with the kids, and by myself, at unexpected times when a small something triggers a memory …

The holidays

Three of us guys were here for Christmas.  It was the longest period I’ve spent with Ben in years.  I was impressed with his discipline, writing a paper left over from his research job and studying Spanish in preparation for a special 3^rd-4^th year clinical program in an underserved area in Flint, MI.  He put up the Christmas tree.

We had a lot of hot pot … my favorite!

Rachel, John and Jack drove up to Milwaukee for New Years.  Rachel was preparing for a mere half marathon and ran outside with John.  Jack is every where, walking, running, climbing, exploring, kicking and throwing the ball, babbling … and so, so happy.  Teri would be chasing, snuggling, loving every minute ...

Teri’s photomontage remained up on the walls comforting me, and Ben helped me take it down and put it into an album.

Friends Manu and Anjali, Kari and Ron, Monica and Kevin, Tony and Martha, Steve and Mary, Paul and Dean (in Madison) invited us out.  Bob and Melissa visited from the Harvard Sackler Museum.

I watched some of Teri’s saved TV programs … Glee, South Pacific … and listened to her Christmas albums …

Like her tooth pics, I found her nail file on the dining table tonight … again I’m not sure how it got there.  I don’t use it.

Rachel, John and Jack are moving to New Jersey

As of the first of the year, John was hired as a corporate strategist for Capsugel, a company that was just spun off from Pfizer and makes capsules for pharmaceuticals.  A very exciting opportunity to help a company grow rapidly.  Teri’s dream fulfilled.  He has been working in Morristown, NJ and flying back on the weekends.  Rachel and Jack are preparing for the upcoming move east to northern NJ, about 45 minutes outside of NYC. 

New Yorkers be ready to welcome them!

Teri’s award

At the first year pediatric GI fellow’s conference in Ft. Lauderdale, I had an opportunity to memorialize Teri and her final teaching moment.

In three weeks since I send out the request letters, we exceeded the $10,000 mark, closing in on the Foundation goal of establishing a permanent endowment that will fund the award in perpetuity ...  We may even be able to offer funding for pilot educational awards.

Teri was a natural with young children.  She always leaned toward the youngest younguns.  As she trained to teach progressively younger children starting with elementary age, then Montessori toddlers-preschoolers, and finally Montessori infant-toddlers … she always felt the greatest teaching efficacy was as early as possible.  I kidded her that she would eventually end up doing Montessori in utero!

This award, the first one for excellence in education and designated specifically for a young faculty member, would just make sense to her.  She would like it.  She would be embarrassed.  But she would like it.  It is fully tax deductible.

NASPGHAN Foundation – Teri Li Education Fund

NASPGHAN

1501 Bethlehem Pike

PO Box 6

Flourtown, PA  19031

I thank all of you who donated or are planning to donate, and once I get the list, I will thank you more personally.

Pensées

Teri died in peace.

As hard as it was for me to accept, I realize that she made the right decision for herself.  In hindsight, she suffered so incredibly much …

I continue to discover things about her.  I still get cards from hospital personnel who share memories of her.

I’m still learning life lessons from her.

She has surrounded me with beauty and her aesthetic touch. 

Supporting her fully in body and soul for the 19 months was the best thing I’ve every  done period.

Teri was the absolute love of my life.