Chu-tsing Li 1920-2014

Chu-tsing Li passed away peacefully Tuesday, September 16^th at the age of 94 at St. John’s on the Lake in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 

He graduated from Puiching High School in Macao, received a BA in English from Nanjiing Univ. in Chengdu, China, an MA in English from and PhD in Art History from the Univ. of Iowa (1954) where he taught for 10 years.  Teaching at the University of Kansas for 19 years, he was the Judith Harris Murphy Distinguished Professor of Art History and Research Curator, Nelson-Atkins Museum, Kansas City.  He received a Ford Foundation Grant to retrain in Chinese Art at Harvard and Princeton Univ. (1960) and an American Council of Learned Studies Grant to spend a one-year sabbatical in Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan (1964).  He visited China frequently after 1972 and became the first Fulbright Visiting Exchange Scholar to China in 1979.

He had an illustrious academic career in Chinese art history. A tireless teacher, he mentored 28 PhD and 50 MA students who have taught or curated at Princeton, Washington Univ. St. Louis, Arizona State Univ.; Harvard, Phoenix Art and Asian Art (S.F.) Museums and National Palace Museum, Taiwan.  A relentless scholar of Yuan painting, he published some 19 books and catalogs including the seminal Autumn Colors on the Ch’iao and Hua Mountains by Chao Meng-fu (1964), and on artists from the Ming, Qing Dynasties and contemporary works.  With a keen eye, he first recognized merit of contemporary (abstract) Chinese ink paintings in early 1960s, organized exhibitions, published catalogs and opened up the field.  Many of his collected works in A Tradition Redefined: Chinese Ink Paintings in the C.T. Li Collection will be donated to Harvard and Phoenix Art Museums.  He touched many graduate students, art historians, collectors, curators and Chinese artists throughout the world with his rigorous, yet humble approach.

He was husband of the late Yao-wen Kwang Li (56 years).  He was son of deceased Wu Zi Li and Jing Tran Hsieh (Taiwan).  He was father of B U.K. Li (Milwaukee) and Amy Lee (Portland).  He was grandfather to Rachel Li Cullivan (spouse John NJ) and Benjamin Li (MI), and Daniel Lee, Brandon Lee, Christopher Lee (OR).  He was great grandfather to Jack and Naomi Cullivan.  He was preceded in death by elder and younger brothers Chu-ling Li and Chu-shan Li.  He is further survived by relatives in California, Taiwan and Guangzhou, China, his birthplace.

There will be an informal reception in November 2014 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin TBA. There will be a formal memorial service in May of 2015 in Lawrence, Kansas TBA.  In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to Chu-tsing Li Award for Graduate Students in Chinese Art, University of Kansas Endowment Association, P.O. Box 928, Lawrence, KS 66044.

An extra ordinary day with Ray

Our Passat packed with laden memories raced inexorably west towards Madison on this sunny tennis-friendly summer day.  As the time became compressed by distance, I wondered what to say at Ray’s memorial service.  There was so much history together.  How could I even begin to tell it?

Back in time

It began during my pediatric residency.  Ray and Memée were both teachers, as chief of neurology and as general pediatrician, and Memée became Rachel and Ben’s first pediatrician.  As surrogate parents, they adopted Teri and I, inviting us over for regular and Thanksgiving dinners.  We experienced immediate warmth, unequivocal acceptance, and a home away from distant homes.  We came to know Michael, Ru and Mark each.  And, Ray and Memée entrusted us with their brood and Mr. Chips (feisty terrier) for a week while they went on their first vacation by themselves.  We became … extended family.

More memories.  He plays with a child on the clinic floor to diagnose subtly and nonthreateningly.  He begins the work day with a communal effort on the NY Times X-word puzzle.  He patiently plays the human backboard, ala Pancho Gonzales Chun, with those of us with lesser abilities with the racquet.  He lends us his station wagon to cart two families, two dogs, and camping gear to Michigan.  He blends professionalism, humanity, fun and family, perfectly.  Ever kind, respectful, present in the moment, Asian.  He is my role model.

Fast forwarding, all three Chun ‘kids’ babysit our Rachel and Ben for our nights out.  Further forward, we/they visit/stay with Ru/Jim, Mark/Marianne and Michael/Tina and their kids in Madison, Columbus, Chicago, Milwaukee, Manhattan (KS and NY!), Seattle, and Hilo HI.  We peak together atop Manau Kea on the Big Island from which we view the majesty of all the Islands.  It is a unique multigenerational relationship. 

Our last day

The talk to the UW APAMSA Chapter was a scheduled excuse to spend time with Ray and Memée.  Teri and I would typically stay overnight at their Madison B&B every few months.  Apart from whatever specific stories we shared about our kids and our lives, we would always experience the timelessness of profound friendship, whatever the time gaps, and always the parting nostalgia of leaving the warm hearth of home. 

Ray had AML that he ‘shared' with Teri that had now become refractory to treatment.  By all measures, he had far out survived all projections withstanding 26 rounds of monthly chemotherapy.  He spent his good interludes working out, spending time with family and friends, and even playing his beloved tennis!  But we all knew the time was becoming essence.

I had some trepidation about whether I would intrude, but Memée reassured me that I could be helpful.  I received a text from Ru that he was in the clinic that morning with a fever, possibly to be admitted, but desiring to come home. 

Ray was propped up on the couch in his comfortable sweat suit, pale, wan and uncomfortable.  He greeted me warmly with a smile and hug.  He was feverish, sweating.  A large mouth sore rendered it painful to eat.  Low back pain made it difficult to find a comfortable position,. 

Memée fastidiously administered all of his routine medications and new antibiotics as if on a Japanese train timetable.

We had a quiet dinner.  He reminded me about a dinner at the Ichiban Sichuan Restaurant that the UW students had organized for me in 2008.  I was ponderously blank and then, yes, his recollection was immaculate.  And, he had not attended that dinner! 

Memée asked me how long.  Despite my experiences with Teri, I said I didn’t know exactly, but given all the signs, not long. 

Then, Saturday arrived, and the portentous clouds miraculously dissipated.  Ray’s fever abated.  His color returned.  His mouth was feeling better.  Ray... was … his usual self.

At breakfast, he queried me about how I’m working with our new Chairman of Pediatrics.  Amidst the impending kismet why in the world is he asking about me?  But then I realized that is Ray, always concerned about others.  Genuinely curious about me. 

We hung out, quietly aware of the other’s presence. 

A grand luncheon with friends and family together.  Kok Peng and Anna, Aaron and Sal, Ru, Jim, Elliot and Althea for lunch.  Eclectic, Vietnamese and Chinese food.  Ray’s mouth was feeling sufficiently better that he ate won tons and noodles brought back from Vancouver … more than he had in 3 weeks according to Memée. 

His back was sore so I spontaneously gave him a rub.  He said it felt better.

As our day came to a close, I was both in the moment and outside looking upon the moment, aware that it was likely our last time.  I marveled at Ray’s effervescent glow, his centered equanimity and his considerate grace to the very end.  Other worldly. 

As I was leaving, we gave each other a hug, and spontaneously I whispered for the first time, “I love you.”

A few days later, Ray passed away quietly in his sleep.  Ru told me his last words were ‘thank you’ to his nurses.  At peace, true to himself.

Ray’s memorial service

There in front of Ray’s extended family, former fellow residents and former professors, my eyes welled and chest heaved.  In a moment of clarity, I realized that I would share that singular, unforgettable day.  A last day, a last good day, a quintessentially Ray day. 

So ordinary, yet in that way, so remarkably extraordinary. 

So I did.  

Two close calls

It culminated on June 4^th – the 25^th anniversary of the Tian An Mian massacre – a cataclysmic day in Chinese history. 

Dad became weak at the dinner table in his assisted living abode at St Johns on the Lake where he had been living since January.  Prior, he had fallen repeatedly.  Either I or his helper kept discovering him on the floor, necessitating visits to the Emergency Room.  He also set off the fire alarm with consequent police and fire response.  Although he could no longer live unattended, he became understandably disconsolate with the move out of his apartment.  

On that recent night, he was taken to the Emergency Room and admitted to Columbia St Mary’s Hospital.  In short order he was discovered to have a superbug infection in his blood emanating from either his bladder or lungs.      

Ben asked if he should come home.  I didn’t know how imminent Dad was, but encouraged him to come home that weekend. 

Dad perked up by day 3, presumably from the antibiotics, then began to pass massive blood clots from internal bleeding.  He was transferred promptly to Intensive Care.  Over the next few days, he received 4 packs of red blood cells (40% of his blood volume) and 4 units of fresh frozen plasma to reverse the effects of the chronic blood thinner.  His blood pressure dropped precipitously and his nurse called Ben and I to return to the hospital that night. 

The doctors asked us if we would be willing to use pressor (vasoconstricting) agents to boost his blood pressure.  His living will states no CPR, or endotracheal intubation.  But there remain key decisions on intermediary interventions lying somewhere between supportive and aggressive measures.  A difficult decision.  I felt that that support was appropriate short term.  Should we do a non-invasive bleeding scan and/or an invasive colonoscopy to localize the source?  Since the bleeding was presumed to derive from diverticula (abnormal outpouchings), the end game would include surgery, for which I felt he was not a candidate.  Therefore, we didn’t proceed to do the tests (but perhaps should have in hindsight).  Finally, the bleeding stopped and his blood pressure stabilized.

He recognized Ben and I, and asked appropriate questions of Ben.  How is school?  Is Theresa still in San Francisco?  But he had no recollection of how he came to be admitted.  Nine days later, he was transferred back the nursing area of St. John’s. 

Dad survived a catastrophic double hit, a superbug infection and gastrointestinal bleeding.  A near miss.

Then, six days later, after I had fed him and tucked him in for the night, he began to pass large clots again.  To the Emergency Room to be admitted to the Intensive Care, followed by three more units of blood (70% now replaced).  Another gastroenterologist felt it could be helpful to do a colonoscopy and indeed he was right.  He found the source.  Two ulcers one with a visible bleeding vessel that was cauterized.  The bleeding stopped.  In a gesture of professional courtesy, he showed it to me endoscopically. 

He survived another life threatening bleeding episode.

Back to the nursing area.  He needed 3 weeks of IV antibiotics to eradicate the superbug.  He required continuous oxygen.  He had difficulty swallowing and all liquids were thickened.  He was no longer able to dress himself or ambulate.  He lost 20+ lbs.  I fed him because he ate better for me than the staff.  He spoke once about this ‘being his last phase’.   However, he remains optimistic and awaits ‘the Mongolian prime minister who will bring a special potion to restore my memory and eyesight to the age of 65 – the effect will last for 2 years.’  I told him that I too need a sip.

So here we stand at the precipice, on a historic anniversary, for the penultimate historian.  As his 22/7 care taker until January, I only know too well the cracks and crevices at the edge.  And he’s been over the edge more than once.  Yet all in all it is quite amazing how far he has journeyed.  Last summer I took him at the age of 93 to Vancouver for 5 weeks with all its challenges.  I brought him home every other week for dinners until May.  I took him out to a restaurant on his 94^th birthday just a few days before this transpired.

Watching accelerating physical and mental decline and serious medical crises in such a vigorous individual.  I know it happens to all, in individualized ways, but it is nevertheless difficult to experience up close. 

Yet I have to appreciate how far we’ve travelled both psychologically and geographically (Lawrence, Mendham, Vancouver twice), recently, together … and this past year I’ve come to equanimity with my life with Dad as it is now, was (or was not), and will be.  

Thank you for your support and kind comments to me.

A remarkable, memorable, memorial day in NYC.

Sometimes, things just simply fall into place. 

 

Naomi is sad as Rachel and I go for a bike ride

Rachel, Steve, Mary (from Madison), and I set out from Mendham bright and early last Sunday to visit NYC.  John stayed behind to herd Jack and Naomi to the local beach, and survived to tell about it. 

The weather was perfect, sunny, short-sleeved, dry, breezy.

I had proposed two activities:  the 911 Memorial Museum and Beautiful: The Carole King Story with multiple Tony nominations.  It seemed like a good pairing of memorial then musical … in that sequence.

We began at the Memorial.  In the plaza, you can ponder the deep footprints of the twin towers resurrected as two endless waterfalls with the etched names of each individual.  We

descended into the subterranean expanse that lies beneath the waterfalls and houses massive steel skeletons, twisted, bent and fused by the impact and inferno alongside the slurry wall as a studded fortress.  It was Armageddon realized with pictures of fire and smoke, entwined metal,

looped footage of the crash, animated maps and timeline tracking each minute of the four hijacked planes.    

And it was so personal, as each was honored in a memorial photo gallery, on the wall, shown in a continuous projection with brief bio and narrative, and available by interactive computer.  There were the last cell phone calls from those aboard flight UA 93 to their loved ones.  There were many mundane personal items emblazoned with meaning.  Unlike other memorials, 911 conveyed the ever exponential impact of the loss of each of these innocents.  We all welled up.  The tragedy.  The senselessness.  The indelible impact.

We emerged to sunshine and relief.

Carole King was of Our Time.  We cherished her album Tapestry, the best selling album for a woman, ever.  She had so many hits ‘So Far Away’, ‘Will You Love Me Tomorrow’.  She and Teri both went to Queens College.  And, even more personal, Teri met Carole when she did a fund raiser for John Kerry at Mary and Steve’s house in Madison in 2004.  Then, Carole said ‘shall we sing’ and sang three songs on the piano for all there.  I remember Teri was singing when she returned with her signed album.  Coincidence!

On the main floor at the Sondheim Theater, Rachel turned to the woman seated next to her, eyes aglow, and said aren’t you Sandra?  Sandra, a neighbor who lives 3 doors down the hall in our Milwaukee condo building, was there celebrating her birthday with her daughter!  Same long-distance city, same show, same day, same time, same row, adjacent seats … 6 degrees of connection! 

The overture of familiar Carole King medleys started.  The catchy love tunes set against a 60’s backdrop recreated the excitement of writing a hit tune that just might ‘go to the top #1’.  Humor and drama captured Carole’s precocious naïvete, her creative musicality, and growth from songwriter for others to reluctant performer of her own.  It resonated with our imbedded recollections of ‘Some Kind of Wonderful’ ‘Up on the Roof’ ‘On Broadway’ ‘One Fine Day’ ‘It’s Too Late Baby’ ‘(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman’ … and ‘Beautiful’. 

Then it happened.  She sang (as did my idol James Taylor) our wedding song ‘You’ve Got A Friend’.  My chest started heaving.  The morning memorial laden with so many lost souls and encased memories of Teri overflowed together, rivulets running down my lien.  Rachel spontaneously grabbed my hand and held it tight.  Steve, then Mary, grabbed my other hand, and I held on.  It was softly painful, evocative, deeply cleansing.  Teri is so missed … yet she was there, we all agreed.  And she would just love Beautiful, the musical buff that she was, the wedding song I sang to her, Carole’s songs in Mary and Steve’s home, and of

Steve and Mary - Beautiful couple

all places in her home town.  A torrent of memories gushed at that moment … comforted by family, by best friends, and by Teri’s presence. 

It was the best, nearly … perfect day.

Jake Epstein - lead male - same shirt above

Paperless, treeless, Christmas/New Year’s letter

Thank you for the cards, pictures and X-mas letters!

Dad

Well, it’s nearly a fait accompli, he will move into assisted living on January 6^th.  The recent spate of triggered fire alarm/fire and police visit, and multiple falls without calling me for help screamed safety gap at me.  Although speaking less and ambulating gingerly with walker, his long term memory of Yuan Dynasty and contemporary ink paintings remains unperturbed.  After initial anger … he is a reluctantly resigned.  He will not lack in a sunny renovated room overlooking Lake Michigan with shared balcony.  St. John’s has a swimming pool (he swam daily until age 88) and 3 art galleries.  I’ve also arranged for home style Chinese food to be brought in.  All the best for him!  His new address for former graduate students Bob, Claudia, Janet and others will be:

Canterbury Court Unit 3324

St. John’s on the Lake

1840 N. Prospect Ave.

Milwaukee, WI  53202

At age 92-93, we still maintained a robust itinerary travelling to Mendham to see the great grand kids, to Vancouver for 5 weeks, to Chicago for dinner, to the art museum and a lobster dinner over Thanksgiving, and to his favorite Chinese restaurant this past week.  All of these adventures had their share of logistical challenges, confusion, temporary disappearances, and mini-fainting episodes, but we survived. 

Hot pot in cold Milwaukee

Despite our challenged father-son relationship, I will miss him as his daily management and dinners/evenings together have been the fulcrum of my existence for the past 26 months.  Yet, I will breathe easier not being on the brink for 24/7.

Ben

The BIG news is Ben’s mystery woman.  He was totally mum about her until we met during Thanksgiving in Milwaukee.  Her name is Theresa (!) and she is from San Francisco.  Their first big date was a trip to Vancouver.  They are very sucrose (natural) sweet on each other.  She met our extended family including the Chuns and Koslov/Fultons who did not grill her to a crisp.  She reminds me of someone with a similar name …

Bundled in Milwaukee

Shared experiences.  I spoke at the national APAMSA conference and to his local Michigan State chapter in East Lansing.  He asks me for my medical thoughts and advice.  I recall him at age 7 telling me that when he grew up he wanted to have his work desk facing and abutting mine.  A parental fantasy coming to fruition.  Depending upon the rotation, first it was pediatrics, then internal medicine, now maybe Emergency Medicine ... to be named later.  What fun to be able to cross-fertilize professionally.

                                                                                                             .

Rachel and John

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Naomi superbaby – needing stitches on her forehead!  Happy, smiling, fearless, focused, she knows what she wants.  Hmm, she reminds me of some Li/Ho women.  Watch out.  I observed a few tentative steps 6 weeks ago, and now she’s fully upright.  Jack guides me down to his boy cave for extended building/destruction and wild goose chasing.  He has a budding sense of humor and irony.  I read a Thanksgiving story to his Montessori class, a role Teri would have absolutely relished.  Rachel concocts gourmet ice creams (Earl Grey/cherries).  John completed two acquisitions, one international. 

"See, you ain't seen nothing yet!"

"Don't dump on me. Hee hee."

 Me

I work, I take care of my father, I exercise, I travel (in order of hours), therefore I am. 

I have reduced my work effort and have 9.4 weeks off – most importantly – but maintain a national profile giving invited lectures.  Each is an opportunity for renewal with family/friends/colleagues in East Lansing, Mendham, Albuquerque, Chicago, Chapel Hill, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Orlando, and NYC.

Took 3 big trips.  I visited Rob and Sharon’s paradise on Lovango Cay close to St. John’s for daily walk-in snorkeling which revealed a school of cuttlefish and a sea cucumber (not my favorite Chinese edible).  Then to Shanghai and a special visit to the new Chao Meng-fu (the Yuan dynasty painter on whom my father wrote several books) museum in Huzhou built on the site of his original house.  Finally, 5 weeks in Vancouver with my father in a Chinese immersion experience studying Mandarin and Chen (original) style Tai Chi with a master, eating gourmet dim sum and Chinese comfort foods, and biking 60 miles a week.

We presented the 2nd annual Teri Li Education award to Christine a young faculty from the U. Colorado.  The endowment is now over 45K!  Thank you.

Christmas

It is a difficult time.  Christmas was The highlight of Teri’s year, finding special presents, especially surprising stocking stuffers, playing Christmas music, designing the holiday meals, baking away, playing board games, forcing the violin, most of all surrounded by her kids.  We can’t reprise her holiday hearth.

This year, Ben and I decided to have a treeless, minimalist artifice of X-mas and devote our time watching movies, playing ping pong, and getting Dad ready for the big move.  She would understand.

Yet we still managed to evoke the essence of Christmas.  Having Ben and my father together one more time.  Exchanging Christmas notes.  “I feel throughout my life I’ve learned from both you and Mom a characteristic that’s just as important to the practice of medicine which is how to interact with people, how to treat others with respect, how to listen.  And I thank you both for that.”  Ahhhh.

I feel very blessed.  Having two children, two grand kids, a son-in-law each of whom I am proud of as individuals.  More than their accomplishments, I’m proud of the core values they espouse, and in particular the really good persons, parents, and partners they’ve become.  I enjoy them immensely.  I can’t ask for more.

Ben (now in SF) and I listen to an endless loop of Vince Guaraldi’s (Charley Brown) soothing jazzy Christmas album given by Theresa.  It’s great.

Travelin’ man, movin’ on

Travelling (to meet, to speak, to friends)

Eight places in six weeks, none exotic other than NYC (from Pittsburgh to Mendham, Chicago, Chicago, Columbus to Orlando, Mendham to NYC and back to Mendham).  “I travel therefore I am.”  But I’m taking a different approach.  I’m staying with friends if possible, and, triangulating to Mendham to maintain a relationship with the grandkids, as Teri would do.  I’m reconnoitering old friends and colleagues, and enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of relationships some neglected and mentorship.  

In Pittsburgh (Nausea and Vomiting conference), my cyclic vomiting family - Kathleen (President, CVSA) and David (retired, new author, the godfather of CVS care) and Thangam (rising star on the adult side) – was there.  A weekend side trip to Mendham where Jack pulled me into his boy cave for block building and 

Jack's boy cave

destroying and chasing, and Naomi is a little hesitant as she enters the stranger phobic stage.

In Chicago at the annual NASPGHAN (GI) meeting, I saw many professional friends, former colleagues, mentees who have become … Associate Professors!  Most importantly, Alan (from Boston Children’s) gave out the 2^nd Teri Li Education Award to a bright energetic Christine from U. of Colorado.  We will be 

Christine - 2nd Teri Li Education Awardee

editing the 2^nd Board Review Book together.  I stayed with Modena and Gary on Lakeshore Drive next to the Navy Pier.  Modena and I go back nearly 40 years to a time when we were former fellow medical students at Kansas and pediatric residents at Wisconsin!  It allowed me to walk/bus to the meeting, yet return to a conversational, restful evening.

The next week in Chicago, after the Council of Pediatric Subspecialties meeting, I ate with John and Nancy, former Chicago neighbors, to break sushi together at Tanoshi in Andersonville on 5547 N. Clark.  This is my all-time favorite sushi place where Mike invents unique flavors using truffle oil and other seasonings.

                               

My fall highlight was a return to Columbus to give the Juhling McClung (my wonderful former chief) Memorial Lecture at Nationwide Children’s Hospital.  It was laden with emotion.  He passed away 9 years ago.  I had a chance to see Helen his widow.  Another challenge was being invited by Carlo who is the best speaker in our entire NASPGHAN society.  But my jokes about the new hospital being supersized to accommodate obese Ohio children, about performing endoscopy in the 1980’s without face mask, gown or glove and inadvertently pioneering fecal matter transfer (well before the current fecal matter transplant rage), and Nationwide winning the 4 team bowl championship bowl by having the most national presidents amongst four semifinalists Cincinnati, Toronto and Boston during the BCS era ... all hit home.  Teri would have been proud.  I had lunch or dinner with former colleague Bob, former neighbors Cindy and John, and stayed and ate with gourmet mates Susan/AJ, Rhonda/Chris, Peg/Rick while seeing my Buckeyes whomp the Nittany Lions 63-14.

Cooooooold Script O-H-I-O with 106K fans

From there to balmy Orlando for the Academy of Pediatrics to speak about vomiting.  The important asides were with my former colleague Leo, good friend Mel (UCSF, editor JPGN), and good buddy Colin now a world beater for Mead-Johnson … who passed on the flu, the big one, to me.  I also had a lovely dinner with professional friend Rob and Janet from Pitt.

Did I suffer.  Sore throat, cough, chills, myalgias, lassitude, then bloody purulent sinus drainage and matted eyes that led to systemic and ophthalmic antibiotics over 10 days.  Missed 2 days of work and should have missed more but could not let down patients who had flown in from Florida, etc.  Fortunately, Maria ended up taking care of my father (urinary tract) and me separately so I wouldn’t pass the flu to him.

In recovery, I came east to Mendham, having been invited by NYU to give Grand Rounds, and had a nice dinner with my GI friend Yosi (also a grandparent, also trying how to retire gracefully).  Onto NYC where I ate with Teri’s college buddies Lois/Dave (new grandparents), Suzanne, and Becky/Jeff (both retired!),
catching up with kidz and grandkidz, and how to appropriately behave as grandpamas.  I went to the 9/11 Memorial, Time-Life Bldg, 

 MOMA, and walked on Highline (elevated garden walk from 14^th to 34^th St.).

Becky and I freezing on the Highline

Starry night at MOMA

  At the Memorial, thought about senseless deaths, man’s inhumanity, Teri, life and resilience.  As Becky pointed out, as NYC is becoming increasingly gentrified the neighborhoods are becoming less distinctive.  NYC nevertheless pulsates with tremendous energy, palpable wherever you walk, sightsee or eat.  I recommend Ippudo a pulsating, upscale ramen restaurant on 4^th Ave between 9^th and 10^th

Becky & Lois at Ippudo (where Legan's son Akira works)

(Astor Place stop on Subway 6).  Now I’m back to Mendham, playing with Jack and Naomi in the boy cave, taking Jack to school/reading a book to his class, going to Costco, Chinese grocery, picking up fresh apples, roasting marshmellows, watching a suspended tree surgeon, and setting up of a play structure.

Dad

In the midst of my sojourns, Dad became generally weak and was found on the floor four days out of five.  I was ill with the flu and tried to manage from afar.  The first visit let to a diagnosed urinary tract infection.  After more encounters with the floor, I sent him to the Emergency Room … same findings, normal brain scan.  It took him about 13 days to gain the strength to walk down to my end of the building.  In retrospect, it was ‘just’ a UTI, but in the elderly such can disorient, can weaken, can kill.  He was lucky.

This raised all sorts of flags as Dad is not monitored for 19 hours a day.  What to do?  His doctor says he belongs in assisted living.  ‘Teri promised that I wouldn’t have to go into a home – that’s why I moved here.’  ‘Teri is no longer here and I have to work…’  Silence.  I called around but couldn’t find any short term respite care while I traveled to NYC.  So I stepped up his current care, morning, noon, evening, hoping for the best.  I have to make this difficult decision alone as my sister is unable to contribute.  In the meantime, I continue to worry … 

Whereas many of my friends’ elderly parents similarly resisted being institutionalized, most seem to have adjusted well.  But my father simply wants to do his own thing (read, write, watch TV) independent of social interaction, and eat only Chinese food.  So, I am not sure he would do better, psychologically.

Kidz

Jack is now an experienced Montessori pupil (3^rd generation), full of energy, playfulness, and humor.  Naomi (nicknamed Godzilla – ‘nothing gets in my way’) is starting to walk Frankenstyle, and is warming up to me.  Both just crossed the 3^rd and 1^st year marks.  Jack has sharp ears (repeats a conversation) and a definite sense of humor.  Naomi is a bundle of fearless energy climbing up steps and onto

Playing 'heads up' peek-a-boo

 tables to reach the top of the heap.  John completed a second major acquisition for his company.  Rachel is enjoying being a home manager and juggler.  She just completed a half marathon a week ago in 1:35.  John also just completed a 200 mile team ultramarathon with 5 other members.  Ben passed his first national USMLE exam, and completed internal medicine and pediatric rotations, still enthused and passionate.

Moving on. 

In February, many friends began to speak to me about moving on with my life.  ‘It’s time for you to live for yourself’.  ‘You have to move forward.’  ‘You have another life ahead of you, you’re still ‘young’’.  ‘You’ll know when the time is right.’ 

From the frying pan to the fire, a blistering transition from 19 months of death defying care of Teri to 26 months of continuous care of my father.  There wasn’t any real down time for grieving, for clearing, for moving on.  For the longest time, I kept her clothes in the closet as a comfort measure, as if she had just gone on a long trip.  I only cleared out them out a month ago.  I did reach equanimity with Teri’s illness as it indelibly impacted my life.  I am still trying to reach the acceptance stage with my father as he was so absent in my life … I ironically am doing so much more for him than vice versa. 

So re-entry is a difficult challenge for obvious logistical (energy) reasons.  Then there is uncertainty, since I haven’t done so for 40+ years.  Then there are the comparisons, how will she compare, but that’s unfair.  But as my nurse said, ‘[By being so good,] Teri ruined it for you.’  And so on.  It is new territory, uncharted for me.

2 years

Last Monday was the 2^nd anniversary. 

After a wonderful 3 day weekend with my best friend Steve spent reminiscing, playing 3 hours of tennis, going to three movies (more than a whole year’s worth), eating out thrice, all a trios.  Monday was a quiet day.

That was good.

But it was filled with music.  And I talked to the kids.

During the art fair, juxtaposed to 50,000+ hogs in the Harley-Davidson parade vrooming past our condo, I purchased several albums of various well known violin etudes that the kids played when young and Suzuki.  On that Monday, as I played them, I realized that many of Teri’s favorites were there:  Ave Maria, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom, Schindler’s List …  The soul touching tunes brought back memories.  Some of the painful complications upon complications, hospitalizations upon hospitalizations.  Her fight and her fight.  Some of the good times, especially in Vancouver pre-Jack, at Jack’s first Christmas in Milwaukee, and in Columbus for Teri’s birthday.  And I looked at the photo albums that she compiled during her illness.  And I realized her focus was family, especially Jack.

So now, what is the meaning of Teri’s life and what have I learned from it? 

I enjoy Ben, Rachel and John, their challenges and successes. 

I revel in my grandson Jack who calls and leaves messages for me

I know Teri would relish granddaughter Naomi whose strong will she would recognize and support.

I delight in Teri’s favorite now resuscitated jasmine trees whose blossoms fragrant the entire condo.

I savor the friendships that have lasted and profound conversations that somehow happen.

And I take care of my father, as best as I can.

And so I endure. 

Thank you for all the calls and e-mails.  They mean a lot.

Circular wings spin

Into and out of the wind

Flying headlong, free

The way leads two ways

Trekking the precipice

Leaping to fate or folly